Evolution

I recently went back and read old posts and it's funny/interesting to see how this blog has evolved.  It was the "Henry Show" for so long before it evolved into our family journeys and eventually foster care.  It's been a great forum for me to record keep, vent, share my heart and share our story.  I love to write and going back and reading it later is fun, too. It's great to reminisce and reflect for sure.

As excited as we are to have "RJ" home and there's so much I really want to share, I'm going to hold off for now.  Besides, it's her story and I need to protect that.  I will say though, having her home has been an amazing gift. It's been a dream and my own words wouldn't be sufficient enough to describe the experience.  I am amazed by her every morning she gets up and she's in our home, in her room. She's not legally "ours" yet, there's lots of red tape and decision makers to please, but she's ours. She's bonding with us. She fit right into our routine. She's happy here.  She's growing.  She laughs when she sees Henry.  She lights up when Mike comes home from work. She strokes my hair when I feed her. She falls asleep when she's being held. She's amazing. She's beautiful. She's smart. She's perfect. Most importantly, she's home.

"M" is still with us and will stay with us until a judge tells us otherwise.  She's growing like a weed and her personality has really evolved.  When she was placed with us, she was a bit on the anxious side and clingy, to put it mildly.  She was a handful and seemed like a very unhappy little girl at times.  She humbled me, that's for sure.  Thankfully grace and patience reigned and I'm happy to report that she's blossomed into a happy, funny little lady.  Just tonight Mike and I were laughing at her laughing and watching her play with Henry.  She adores him and laughs at all of his crazy antics.  She loves to rough house and be silly.  It's great seeing her have fun.  Before RJ arrived, she and I enjoyed our days together by playing outside, going for walks (she loves the stroller), running errands and doing stuff around the house.  She's very sweet with RJ, even picking up her pacifier or bottle if she throws it down.  She refers to her as "Baby" and loves to say "hi" to her.  Very sweet!

Henry still amazes us through all of this.  He's an incredible big brother who loves to make the girls laugh.  He's great about entertaining them if I ask for his help.  He wants to protect them and he's very proud of them, showing off his sisters to anyone who will listen.  He's learning a lot in the first grade this year, even things like states of matter and historical figures.  He says that math and science are his favorite subjects, only behind recess and lunch.  He just finished his 5th season of baseball and while he's not the most athletically inclined kid on the team, his smile is confirmation that he enjoys the game.  He still LOVES his Legos and his creations blow us away.  He's very creative and a great builder, even building things outside of the instructions (or "constructions" as he calls it).

Mike is doing great at his new job and enjoys the team he works with.  The hours are long sometimes, but as his wife, I take so much pride in his hard work and dedication.  I'm happy he's happy and I'm definitely proud of how he works to provide for our family.  He loves his football, especially Michigan and the Cowboys.  Both teams have been a lot of fun to watch this year, a surprising turn after the last decade+ of disappointment. He and I have been trying to make it a point to spend more time together in the evenings after kids are in bed and chores are done.  We recently hit our 10 year mark which is a pretty cool milestone.  He's still my best friend after all these years and I thank God for using our marriage to do some pretty awesome stuff.  

Aside from the girls keeping me busy during the day, I've been able to focus on other little projects around the house and have started hitting the gym a little more regularly.  I lost a few pounds earlier this summer after I left the corporate world but I need to continue working on my health.  I went to a boot camp session at the gym last month and was quickly humbled and realized just how out of shape I really am.  Like a friend once told me "No one ever regrets a workout." It feels great to get it done.   I am excited to get into the holiday season so we can have more family time together. I am also looking forward to sharing our family traditions with our newest family member and getting to know her better.  

So I guess that's a good snapshot of what's going on with us these days.  We've certainly been blessed more than we deserve. We've been challenged in ways, that frankly, they hurt.  But God's been right there with us, leading the way, forgiving us as we've stumbled and encouraging us to walk the right path. 

My new gig

It's been a month since I left my corporate marketing job for a new role - stay at home mom.  Although it's something that I've wanted for a long time, I didn't ever really think it would actually happen.  We are just like most other middle-class families with college debt, two car notes and a mortgage.  We've always tried to live credit card debt free so I guess that's a win.  After a year of juggling foster care (not the kids, but the amount of time it takes to meet all the other demands) and working full-time, we felt like there was too much of a strain, something had to give. I told Mike that I felt like every aspect of my life and everyone that needed me was only getting pieces of me.  I was drained. There were days where it took every ounce of effort to go to work with a smile on my face and enough brain cells to get through the day.  I didn't have a "hard" job but there was a lot detail and moving parts and sometimes it was overwhelming because I was overwhelmed before I got there each day.  I was missing time with my kiddos and the chores around the house were mounting.  Mike and I were both stressed, feeling like we weren't getting any closer to sanity, only further from it.  He took a new job that allowed the finances to work and one Friday night, he told me to quit my job.  What?  I wasn't 100% confident we could make it work, but figured there was no harm in trying.  I put in my two weeks' notice and said goodbye to my friends, to my routine and to work that I genuinely enjoyed.  Here we go, there was no turning back.

In the interest of full disclosure, I was pretty freaked out by day one and it was only a Saturday. "M" was teething pretty hard core and would scream the second I put her down.  I'm very fond of my personal space, very claustrophobic (I don't even like tight seat belts....) so I was wiped out after 5 hours of holding a sweaty, whiny baby.  I panicked, wondering what I had signed myself up for.  Satan has a way of sneaking in and playing on your insecurities. Thankfully after some Tylenol for her and a nap for both of us, we were fine.  We've had a couple of bumpy days since then, but for the most part, we've really enjoyed our time together. 

My time with Henry has been great as well.  I was able to attend his end of year awards ceremony and hang out with him more after school.  Seeing him finish kindergarten was a good reminder of how fast time goes, especially when you aren't home.  Our mornings now move really slow and it's been great for both of us.

I've been able to knock out some projects around the house while "M" naps and I've cooked dinner more nights than not.  Mike was previously in charge of supper because he got home much earlier than I did.  I'm sure he's thankful to have passed that baton.  I have time to grocery shop now, go to the gym and run errands, too. We are also able to go to church on Wednesday nights, something we haven't done since I was on maternity leave 6+ years ago.  I'm also going to facilitate a women's Bible study next month - very excited about that. We've been able to catch up on doctor's appointments and visit family and friends.  Of course caseworkers, CASA and the attorney visits are now during the day instead of in the evening after work which is a HUGE break for our family.  Leaving work to pick up kids and make it home before visits was very disruptive to our nightly routine.

It's not all been sunshine and rainbows but it's worth the sacrifices.  Getting to stay home with my kiddos, especially when they are little, knowing they are safe and happy means the world to me.  Being able to support Mike as he advances his career is pretty cool, too.  Being able to open our home to more foster children further supports what we've been called to do.  It's pretty cool to see God work it all out and to Him we give thanks.

The first year

A year ago today, about this time of night, we were anticipating the arrival of our first foster placement.  We knew very little about the 2 year old boy that was en route or about what was ahead for our family. The CPS investigator arrived with an incredibly adorable little boy with dark hair and dark eyes and the longest eyelashes I had ever seen on a child.  "A" was scared. And dirty. And he smelled bad. He had a horrible day and God only knows what he had endured in the weeks prior.  We were told why he was removed and admittedly, like a rookie, I cried for him.  I couldn't believe any human being, let alone someone that was supposed to love him, could have done those things to him.  I felt a very primal urge to hunt them down and seek his revenge.  I didn't like that side of me and after 4 placements, I still feel the same way about each of my kiddos.

Just after 10pm, after 45 minutes of signing papers, and very little information about this child, the investigator and our caseworker were gone.  The moment we had worked so hard for was here and I don't think we could have been more scared.   I can't fathom what "A" was thinking, being in a new place with total strangers.  I wasn't sure what to do next, much like when we brought Henry home from the hospital.  My nurturing side came out and I grabbed a bowl of Goldfish, hoping he would eat.  Oh buddy, he ate.  And ate. And ate.  I was so relieved.  I silently prayed that I could win him over, desperately wanting him to trust us.  After a couple of stories, we got him cleaned up and into pjs, ready for bed.  Surprisingly, "A" slept like a champ that night.  Henry was so excited to finally have a little brother, he had a little trouble winding down that night.  I was in the same boat, lying wide awake well after midnight.  I will never forget Mike and I lying in bed, staring at the ceiling in total shock.  We both agreed that yes, we were living the most surreal experience of our lives.

The next couple of weeks were challenging and honestly, disheartening. "A" was presumably mistreated by a woman so he didn't want a thing to do with me or any other woman for that matter.  That was tough on my mama heart, my sister and our moms as well.  We wanted to love on this little guy and he just wanted us out of his sight.  After much trial and error and LOTS of prayer, "A" finally came around and trusted us.  The bonding process began and the changes in him were almost instantaneous. He came to us completely non-verbal, but over the new few weeks, he learned all kinds of words and before we knew it, we were hearing his laughter.  What a precious, sweet sound.

Reflecting today, I can't believe a year has passed.  So many feelings from that first night, the shock, the uncertainty, the fear, it's all still very real to me.  Mike jokes that we are seasoned veterans now.  I thought he was silly for saying that, but I agree that we've grown so much since that first night.  We know our true calling now - that we are to love and serve without limitations or boundaries.  We are to love on their families even when they seem unlovable.  We are to serve and love like Christ - we aren't perfect but we have the perfect example in Him.