This evening, Mike randomly sent me part of a Matt Chandler
sermon. He said that it reminded him of our journey and how we got to
where we are now. Without getting into all the nitty gritty, nearly two
years ago, we had to make permanent decisions that we couldn't take
back. No amount of money, science or prayer could turn it around. There was second guessing at one point and even though my brain accepted that there was no changing it, my heart felt betrayed. I let the devil convince me that I was a bad mom and that I shouldn't have more children. There was a reason that God wasn't faithful to me and that He didn't give me what I wanted. How selfish I was. God redeemed me from all of that and I'm incredibly thankful for His provision in my life and in my family's life.
The last six days have been a little challenging. Not in a bad way, I assure you that, I for one, feel strengthened through all of this. I've laughed more in the last week from all the craziness and I'm amazed at how God has worked on my heart. For all of my adult life, I've been uptight. Not in a hateful kind of way, but I'm sure people have misread my heart for years because I've always been so keyed up. I guess you could say I'm passionate but annoyingly intense and should probably relax. (Maybe a long, peaceful vacation would help!)
Anyway, Friday night, "Baby's" Big Sister was placed with us and in an instant, the way I thought my life was going to look was instantly demolished. Sounds scary and to be honest, it was! For the first several years of my adult life, I didn't even know if I would be able to have children and with the signing of a mountain of papers, I found myself with THREE! Three children to take care of. Y'all, seriously? I thought I was in a dream. Not a nightmare like I would have once feared, but a dream. We laughed, the big kids laughed and wrestled and Henry showed Big Sister every little thing in the house. He was so proud. He wants to teach her how to do everything. Laundry all over the place. Toys scattered in every room. Bottles, sippy cups, diapers (Oh em gee the diapers!!!!). Squealing, happy children. A baby who stole my heart 7 weeks prior and her big sister who stole my heart the first time she reached out for me (during our first meeting). Henry who couldn't be a better big brother to these girls and let me tell you, he grew up overnight. He's so much more respectful and kind. Gosh, I fell in love with him all over again, too. Mike even told me "You know I must really love you to do all of this." I wasn't sure how to take that, worried it was a threat (Ha ha!) He told me on Sunday that he's never felt so calm in the midst of so much chaos in his life. It's funny, I've never seen him so calm and content before. It's amazing. And inspiring. God is so good like that.
Here's the snippet of the sermon that Mike sent me:
I'm
not saying your trial is not awful. I'm a pastor. I will give you awful
upon awful. But you haven't been betrayed. I would argue that it's not
punitive. You can scream and cry and shake your fist at the heavens. I
would argue that if you are in him, if you are a believer in Christ, there is the removing of something that might hurt you for the gift of something that will bring nothing but ever increasing joy. That's not a bad trade. It might be a painful one but not a bad one.
Isn't that good stuff?
