A couple of friends have shared an article with me that was written by a foster mom about her thoughts on getting attached to the kiddos in her care. Here's a link if you haven't read it: http://www.scarymommy.com/i-get-too-attached-to-my-foster-children-and-it-is-my-greatest-honor/
Personally, I had all the feels reading that. So much of it hit close to home in a very obvious way. Yes, we do a lot for these kiddos, but we do that as parents for our bio kids as well so we certainly aren't an extra kind of special. The part that hit me the most was her candidness about getting frustrated with the little boy for breaking Christmas ornaments. That's reality. Kids are kids. Can I get an amen? Parents, mercy, we struggle. Finding grace and forgiveness for our kids, although part of our job, is an exhausting part of it. I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I've had because I felt guilty for how I responded to Henry when he asked for something for the nine millionth time and how badly I wanted to wake him up and just apologize to him already. Or how many times I burst into tears crying by the time Mike got home because I was overstimulated by screaming, teething babies. That happened just last night. Mike was so gracious and kind, sent me out for ice cream and some alone time. I love that man. He totally speaks my love language.
My point is, as foster parents, we aren't perfect. Sure we are doing something that most people won't experience, but we aren't special. We struggle. It's a real struggle to deal with bio parents, especially when you see them getting way too many chances, often at the detriment of the child. I'm talking things way beyond junk food and not changing diapers. Real life, really serious life-threatening situations. It's hard and it makes you jaded sometimes. It's a real struggle to have people look at you and/or your kids differently because "clearly they aren't all yours." Yeah. Let's not point out the obvious to the tiny, vulnerable little ears. Okay?
However, God's provision and protection of our hearts is WAY bigger than any of our fears. Do I get angry with judges and other decision makers? Oh, you honestly have no idea. Do I get frustrated with bio parents for their lack of good parenting decisions. Ha. Almost daily. Do my kids get on my head sometimes. You betcha. But here's the common theme - grace. There's a saying that rings so true: GRACE is when God gives us what we don't deserve. I don't deserve God's grace any more than you do. But He loves us and gives us those things unconditionally if we believe in Him. If we recognize that He is the Creator and Narrator of our lives, we will have that grace abundantly and without reservation. We have His forgiveness that exceeds me being upset because a bio mom gave her infant red iced tea during visitation to which she threw up all over my car. Years from now, I won't remember that. I'll remember those precious babies, children of God. I'll remember hearing "I love you" from a previously terrified child. I'll hear "Mama Lacey" as a big smile comes running towards me on the sidewalk after driving 5+ hours to see her and her precious sister again. I'll remember the grandfather that thanked me and Mike for caring for their granddaughters. I'll look fondly at my son who has a better understanding of the world and how to love others in spite of our differences. That to me is what GRACE looks like. We certainly don't deserve those blessings but He provides in spite of our shortcomings.
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Evolution
I recently went back and read old posts and it's funny/interesting to see how this blog has evolved. It was the "Henry Show" for so long before it evolved into our family journeys and eventually foster care. It's been a great forum for me to record keep, vent, share my heart and share our story. I love to write and going back and reading it later is fun, too. It's great to reminisce and reflect for sure.
As excited as we are to have "RJ" home and there's so much I really want to share, I'm going to hold off for now. Besides, it's her story and I need to protect that. I will say though, having her home has been an amazing gift. It's been a dream and my own words wouldn't be sufficient enough to describe the experience. I am amazed by her every morning she gets up and she's in our home, in her room. She's not legally "ours" yet, there's lots of red tape and decision makers to please, but she's ours. She's bonding with us. She fit right into our routine. She's happy here. She's growing. She laughs when she sees Henry. She lights up when Mike comes home from work. She strokes my hair when I feed her. She falls asleep when she's being held. She's amazing. She's beautiful. She's smart. She's perfect. Most importantly, she's home.
"M" is still with us and will stay with us until a judge tells us otherwise. She's growing like a weed and her personality has really evolved. When she was placed with us, she was a bit on the anxious side and clingy, to put it mildly. She was a handful and seemed like a very unhappy little girl at times. She humbled me, that's for sure. Thankfully grace and patience reigned and I'm happy to report that she's blossomed into a happy, funny little lady. Just tonight Mike and I were laughing at her laughing and watching her play with Henry. She adores him and laughs at all of his crazy antics. She loves to rough house and be silly. It's great seeing her have fun. Before RJ arrived, she and I enjoyed our days together by playing outside, going for walks (she loves the stroller), running errands and doing stuff around the house. She's very sweet with RJ, even picking up her pacifier or bottle if she throws it down. She refers to her as "Baby" and loves to say "hi" to her. Very sweet!
Henry still amazes us through all of this. He's an incredible big brother who loves to make the girls laugh. He's great about entertaining them if I ask for his help. He wants to protect them and he's very proud of them, showing off his sisters to anyone who will listen. He's learning a lot in the first grade this year, even things like states of matter and historical figures. He says that math and science are his favorite subjects, only behind recess and lunch. He just finished his 5th season of baseball and while he's not the most athletically inclined kid on the team, his smile is confirmation that he enjoys the game. He still LOVES his Legos and his creations blow us away. He's very creative and a great builder, even building things outside of the instructions (or "constructions" as he calls it).
Mike is doing great at his new job and enjoys the team he works with. The hours are long sometimes, but as his wife, I take so much pride in his hard work and dedication. I'm happy he's happy and I'm definitely proud of how he works to provide for our family. He loves his football, especially Michigan and the Cowboys. Both teams have been a lot of fun to watch this year, a surprising turn after the last decade+ of disappointment. He and I have been trying to make it a point to spend more time together in the evenings after kids are in bed and chores are done. We recently hit our 10 year mark which is a pretty cool milestone. He's still my best friend after all these years and I thank God for using our marriage to do some pretty awesome stuff.
Aside from the girls keeping me busy during the day, I've been able to focus on other little projects around the house and have started hitting the gym a little more regularly. I lost a few pounds earlier this summer after I left the corporate world but I need to continue working on my health. I went to a boot camp session at the gym last month and was quickly humbled and realized just how out of shape I really am. Like a friend once told me "No one ever regrets a workout." It feels great to get it done. I am excited to get into the holiday season so we can have more family time together. I am also looking forward to sharing our family traditions with our newest family member and getting to know her better.
So I guess that's a good snapshot of what's going on with us these days. We've certainly been blessed more than we deserve. We've been challenged in ways, that frankly, they hurt. But God's been right there with us, leading the way, forgiving us as we've stumbled and encouraging us to walk the right path.
As excited as we are to have "RJ" home and there's so much I really want to share, I'm going to hold off for now. Besides, it's her story and I need to protect that. I will say though, having her home has been an amazing gift. It's been a dream and my own words wouldn't be sufficient enough to describe the experience. I am amazed by her every morning she gets up and she's in our home, in her room. She's not legally "ours" yet, there's lots of red tape and decision makers to please, but she's ours. She's bonding with us. She fit right into our routine. She's happy here. She's growing. She laughs when she sees Henry. She lights up when Mike comes home from work. She strokes my hair when I feed her. She falls asleep when she's being held. She's amazing. She's beautiful. She's smart. She's perfect. Most importantly, she's home.
"M" is still with us and will stay with us until a judge tells us otherwise. She's growing like a weed and her personality has really evolved. When she was placed with us, she was a bit on the anxious side and clingy, to put it mildly. She was a handful and seemed like a very unhappy little girl at times. She humbled me, that's for sure. Thankfully grace and patience reigned and I'm happy to report that she's blossomed into a happy, funny little lady. Just tonight Mike and I were laughing at her laughing and watching her play with Henry. She adores him and laughs at all of his crazy antics. She loves to rough house and be silly. It's great seeing her have fun. Before RJ arrived, she and I enjoyed our days together by playing outside, going for walks (she loves the stroller), running errands and doing stuff around the house. She's very sweet with RJ, even picking up her pacifier or bottle if she throws it down. She refers to her as "Baby" and loves to say "hi" to her. Very sweet!
Henry still amazes us through all of this. He's an incredible big brother who loves to make the girls laugh. He's great about entertaining them if I ask for his help. He wants to protect them and he's very proud of them, showing off his sisters to anyone who will listen. He's learning a lot in the first grade this year, even things like states of matter and historical figures. He says that math and science are his favorite subjects, only behind recess and lunch. He just finished his 5th season of baseball and while he's not the most athletically inclined kid on the team, his smile is confirmation that he enjoys the game. He still LOVES his Legos and his creations blow us away. He's very creative and a great builder, even building things outside of the instructions (or "constructions" as he calls it).
Mike is doing great at his new job and enjoys the team he works with. The hours are long sometimes, but as his wife, I take so much pride in his hard work and dedication. I'm happy he's happy and I'm definitely proud of how he works to provide for our family. He loves his football, especially Michigan and the Cowboys. Both teams have been a lot of fun to watch this year, a surprising turn after the last decade+ of disappointment. He and I have been trying to make it a point to spend more time together in the evenings after kids are in bed and chores are done. We recently hit our 10 year mark which is a pretty cool milestone. He's still my best friend after all these years and I thank God for using our marriage to do some pretty awesome stuff.
Aside from the girls keeping me busy during the day, I've been able to focus on other little projects around the house and have started hitting the gym a little more regularly. I lost a few pounds earlier this summer after I left the corporate world but I need to continue working on my health. I went to a boot camp session at the gym last month and was quickly humbled and realized just how out of shape I really am. Like a friend once told me "No one ever regrets a workout." It feels great to get it done. I am excited to get into the holiday season so we can have more family time together. I am also looking forward to sharing our family traditions with our newest family member and getting to know her better.
So I guess that's a good snapshot of what's going on with us these days. We've certainly been blessed more than we deserve. We've been challenged in ways, that frankly, they hurt. But God's been right there with us, leading the way, forgiving us as we've stumbled and encouraging us to walk the right path.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Two weeks
Isn't it funny when you have so much to say but you're not really sure where to start? I have a million things in my head to share but at the same time, I get so overwhelmed by all of it that I'm not sure a blog post or even a novel would help me begin to process it. I will say before I begin, God is so much bigger than we are and He knows the whys and the hows and it's just up to us to live it and praise Him.
Three weeks ago, I was up early with "M" and we were playing in the living room, careful not to wake Mike or Henry. My phone rang and instantly panic shot through my veins, even more when I realized it was a previous caseworker.
She literally started the conversation with "Hi Lacey, it's "N". Are you at home and are you sitting down?" I stuttered and told her "N, just tell me what happened." I never in a million years would have guessed what she was about to say. All of this before 6:45am. Here we go.
The short story, safe for social media, is that Big Sister and Baby Sister were back in care after a terrible situation over night. "N" never even asked me if we could take the girls, but let's be honest, she wasn't calling me before sunrise to just catch me up on a case. She called with a mission. After she told me all the details, I responded hastily with "Well, when are you bringing them to us?" I didn't even think twice about it and I could hear the relief in her voice. They knew us. They would be safe and well loved here. Bring them here.
After we hung up, I walked into the bedroom to give Mike a wake-up call I'm sure he will never forget. (And I'll probably never hear the end of.) He listened to all the words that came stumbling out of my mouth and then quietly replied "What the hell were you thinking?" I'm not sure what I thought he would say, but I wasn't prepared for that. I nervously laughed and said "What else was I supposed to do? Names concealed need us." He shook his head and replied "Oh I know that you did what you had to do, but what the hell were you thinking? We are going to have FOUR kids." Yeah. That's ridiculous, huh?
He got up, kept laughing but shaking his head. I knew he was going to be fine once those precious ladies arrived. He kept asking me questions about what happened with them, are they ok? How are we going to split 3 girls between 2 girl rooms? Will your car fit all the little people? Where is my drill; I have to build another crib?! Do you realize we have 4 kids? He never said it, but he was probably wondering if this was the "in good time and in bad" that he vowed to.
We didn't tell Henry because we didn't want to disturb his school day and I knew we couldn't get everything done if he had skipped and stayed home. At this point, we had zero clue as to when they would arrive so it was a normal day as far as he knew.
I called our agency because we needed to get our license updated before the State would approve the girls to move here. When we received our license in May 2015, it said: 1 bio, 2 foster/adopt placements. Mike always threatened to bury me in the backyard if I pushed the 2 placement limit again. The funny/scary thing (depending on what mood Mike is in) is that now it says: 1 bio, 4 foster/adopt placements. Yeah, 5 kids isn't ever happening and if it were to (foster care is messy and completely unpredictable), I would probably end up like the Little Old Lady who lives in a shoe because Mike would leave me for sure.
It was a long day, exactly 9 hours from when N called to when they arrived. I hadn't seen them in 5 months and while that had previously felt like an eternity, every bit of it felt like they had never left. Big Sister got out of the car and once our eyes met, she said "Mama Lacey" and ran up the driveway to hug me. I scooped her up and praised God as I was holding her. She was safe and I didn't have to worry about her anymore. She whispered "Daddy Mike" when she saw him come outside and I had all the tears. It was such a precious moment, one I will cherish always.
After I handed Big Sister to Daddy Mike, I walked around to the backseat to find Baby Sister giving me her same stoic stare. After I tickled her, she grinned real big. I couldn't get over how much she had grown since I saw her last. The first time she came to our home, she was a teeny, tiny 4 week old baby but this time she was a stumbling toddler with all the teeth and the silliest grin. Gah.
Henry couldn't believe the surprise. He was so excited to his sisters again. He and Big Sister went back to playing just like old times, like no time had ever passed. There was chaos and squeals. Laughter. All the tears.
As we filled out paperwork, I sat in awe of God's work. I didn't know what was ahead and frankly, I was terrified, but I knew that once again, He was doing big things in front of our very eyes.
The next two weeks that followed was filled with every emotion from panic to calm. From rest to weary. From laughter to tears. From organized and under control to where is that pair of shoes and why does it take 45 minutes to get SIX people out the door? And did we seriously go through another gallon of milk in less than 12 hours?
It was a ride that I cannot believe we rode. It was wild and it was fun. It was exhausting but so worth it. Even though we had to say goodbye after two weeks, it was worth every second of uncertainty, exhaustion, love and enjoying these two precious gifts that God put back into our lives.
**Note to add, for 5 months I wasn't 100% sure that the girls were safe and happy but I prayed, along with countless others, begging God to protect them. He answered that prayer and after their short stay with us, the girls are now living with relatives that have so desperately wanted to love and nurture them. We praise God for His mighty provision in their lives and we are so thankful to have been a part of it. We were blessed to be their soft place to land. I am also incredibly thankful that this relative doesn't mind me texting and checking in on them and has already given the go-ahead for us to visit soon. God is so good!
Three weeks ago, I was up early with "M" and we were playing in the living room, careful not to wake Mike or Henry. My phone rang and instantly panic shot through my veins, even more when I realized it was a previous caseworker.
She literally started the conversation with "Hi Lacey, it's "N". Are you at home and are you sitting down?" I stuttered and told her "N, just tell me what happened." I never in a million years would have guessed what she was about to say. All of this before 6:45am. Here we go.
The short story, safe for social media, is that Big Sister and Baby Sister were back in care after a terrible situation over night. "N" never even asked me if we could take the girls, but let's be honest, she wasn't calling me before sunrise to just catch me up on a case. She called with a mission. After she told me all the details, I responded hastily with "Well, when are you bringing them to us?" I didn't even think twice about it and I could hear the relief in her voice. They knew us. They would be safe and well loved here. Bring them here.
After we hung up, I walked into the bedroom to give Mike a wake-up call I'm sure he will never forget. (And I'll probably never hear the end of.) He listened to all the words that came stumbling out of my mouth and then quietly replied "What the hell were you thinking?" I'm not sure what I thought he would say, but I wasn't prepared for that. I nervously laughed and said "What else was I supposed to do? Names concealed need us." He shook his head and replied "Oh I know that you did what you had to do, but what the hell were you thinking? We are going to have FOUR kids." Yeah. That's ridiculous, huh?
He got up, kept laughing but shaking his head. I knew he was going to be fine once those precious ladies arrived. He kept asking me questions about what happened with them, are they ok? How are we going to split 3 girls between 2 girl rooms? Will your car fit all the little people? Where is my drill; I have to build another crib?! Do you realize we have 4 kids? He never said it, but he was probably wondering if this was the "in good time and in bad" that he vowed to.
We didn't tell Henry because we didn't want to disturb his school day and I knew we couldn't get everything done if he had skipped and stayed home. At this point, we had zero clue as to when they would arrive so it was a normal day as far as he knew.
I called our agency because we needed to get our license updated before the State would approve the girls to move here. When we received our license in May 2015, it said: 1 bio, 2 foster/adopt placements. Mike always threatened to bury me in the backyard if I pushed the 2 placement limit again. The funny/scary thing (depending on what mood Mike is in) is that now it says: 1 bio, 4 foster/adopt placements. Yeah, 5 kids isn't ever happening and if it were to (foster care is messy and completely unpredictable), I would probably end up like the Little Old Lady who lives in a shoe because Mike would leave me for sure.
It was a long day, exactly 9 hours from when N called to when they arrived. I hadn't seen them in 5 months and while that had previously felt like an eternity, every bit of it felt like they had never left. Big Sister got out of the car and once our eyes met, she said "Mama Lacey" and ran up the driveway to hug me. I scooped her up and praised God as I was holding her. She was safe and I didn't have to worry about her anymore. She whispered "Daddy Mike" when she saw him come outside and I had all the tears. It was such a precious moment, one I will cherish always.
After I handed Big Sister to Daddy Mike, I walked around to the backseat to find Baby Sister giving me her same stoic stare. After I tickled her, she grinned real big. I couldn't get over how much she had grown since I saw her last. The first time she came to our home, she was a teeny, tiny 4 week old baby but this time she was a stumbling toddler with all the teeth and the silliest grin. Gah.
Henry couldn't believe the surprise. He was so excited to his sisters again. He and Big Sister went back to playing just like old times, like no time had ever passed. There was chaos and squeals. Laughter. All the tears.
As we filled out paperwork, I sat in awe of God's work. I didn't know what was ahead and frankly, I was terrified, but I knew that once again, He was doing big things in front of our very eyes.
The next two weeks that followed was filled with every emotion from panic to calm. From rest to weary. From laughter to tears. From organized and under control to where is that pair of shoes and why does it take 45 minutes to get SIX people out the door? And did we seriously go through another gallon of milk in less than 12 hours?
It was a ride that I cannot believe we rode. It was wild and it was fun. It was exhausting but so worth it. Even though we had to say goodbye after two weeks, it was worth every second of uncertainty, exhaustion, love and enjoying these two precious gifts that God put back into our lives.
**Note to add, for 5 months I wasn't 100% sure that the girls were safe and happy but I prayed, along with countless others, begging God to protect them. He answered that prayer and after their short stay with us, the girls are now living with relatives that have so desperately wanted to love and nurture them. We praise God for His mighty provision in their lives and we are so thankful to have been a part of it. We were blessed to be their soft place to land. I am also incredibly thankful that this relative doesn't mind me texting and checking in on them and has already given the go-ahead for us to visit soon. God is so good!
Friday, July 22, 2016
Sea our food?
In the interest of trying new recipes and getting a little more
adventurous in what we eat, I decided to try something I've never done
before - cook fish. Of course I've baked frozen shrimp before and made
one pot of seafood gumbo more than a decade ago but never have I cooked
any seafood from scratch.
Saturday mornings, I help at a local farmers market selling frozen seafood. I've purchased shrimp before that my dad grilled (Amazing!) but Captain told us to try a new fish each week so we can make recommendations to our customers - this week is flounder. So in the interest of full disclosure, I'm also hoping to pique your interest in great seafood, too. :)
As we all know, fish is a healthy, typically lean protein. There's lots of good benefits to eating fish and although we will explore a healthier way of cooking it next week, this week we fried it. I had a hankering for something fried and figured this would be a better alternative to chicken fried steak. I might need to add that to our menu next week. Yum!
I set out to Pinterest for recipes and tips but quickly became overwhelmed so I called my brother in-law, Kevin, who coincidentally enough, is in culinary school. He came to my rescue! He told me that I could do the following for a great meal:
Steps 1 and 2: Before I got started, I thawed the fish in the fridge all day. Would need more time the thicker the cut, but this one was pretty thin. Also great if it's your first time to cook. I removed the fillets from the package and rinsed with cold water.
Shameless plug, come see us at Magnolia Seafood at the Coppell Farmers Market on Saturday mornings. Come early, we often sell out quick. It's all caught the same week from the Gulf, frozen on the boat and trucked up to north Texas. All the work is done for you, no de-boning or de-veining (because ew!!!).
Step 3: I seasoned with salt, pepper and garlic powder on both sides. Going to try cajun seasoning next time for an extra kick.
Step 4: Flour dredge. Kevin told me I wouldn't need a lot of flour because fish is moist and soaks up the flour but in all honesty, I don't know what "a lot of flour" is so I just went with my gut.
Steps 5 and 6: Pour vegetable or canola oil in the pan and heat (not pictured, I had a whiny toddler on my heels). Add fish and fry for approximately 3 minutes or until golden brown. Adjust time based on thickness of fillet. Oh and watch the grease, although this is how I got the whiny toddler out of the kitchen. ;)
Step 7: Turn with a fork but use caution, especially with this light and flaky fish. See the grease on my stove top? Eek!
Step 8: Enjoy!
The review: Mike and I loved it! It was a very light taste without a heavy fish after-taste. It satisfied my fried food craving, but I will definitely add more vegetables as a side next time as I was pretty hungry a couple of hours later with just a side of garlic green beans.
Definitely a great start to adding seafood to our diet and I'm looking forward to trying more recipes in the future. If you have any to share or if you try this recipe, let me know, I love hearing from readers.
Have a great FRYday!
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
My new gig
It's been a month since I left my corporate marketing job for a new role - stay at home mom. Although it's something that I've wanted for a long time, I didn't ever really think it would actually happen. We are just like most other middle-class families with college debt, two car notes and a mortgage. We've always tried to live credit card debt free so I guess that's a win. After a year of juggling foster care (not the kids, but the amount of time it takes to meet all the other demands) and working full-time, we felt like there was too much of a strain, something had to give. I told Mike that I felt like every aspect of my life and everyone that needed me was only getting pieces of me. I was drained. There were days where it took every ounce of effort to go to work with a smile on my face and enough brain cells to get through the day. I didn't have a "hard" job but there was a lot detail and moving parts and sometimes it was overwhelming because I was overwhelmed before I got there each day. I was missing time with my kiddos and the chores around the house were mounting. Mike and I were both stressed, feeling like we weren't getting any closer to sanity, only further from it. He took a new job that allowed the finances to work and one Friday night, he told me to quit my job. What? I wasn't 100% confident we could make it work, but figured there was no harm in trying. I put in my two weeks' notice and said goodbye to my friends, to my routine and to work that I genuinely enjoyed. Here we go, there was no turning back.
In the interest of full disclosure, I was pretty freaked out by day one and it was only a Saturday. "M" was teething pretty hard core and would scream the second I put her down. I'm very fond of my personal space, very claustrophobic (I don't even like tight seat belts....) so I was wiped out after 5 hours of holding a sweaty, whiny baby. I panicked, wondering what I had signed myself up for. Satan has a way of sneaking in and playing on your insecurities. Thankfully after some Tylenol for her and a nap for both of us, we were fine. We've had a couple of bumpy days since then, but for the most part, we've really enjoyed our time together.
My time with Henry has been great as well. I was able to attend his end of year awards ceremony and hang out with him more after school. Seeing him finish kindergarten was a good reminder of how fast time goes, especially when you aren't home. Our mornings now move really slow and it's been great for both of us.
I've been able to knock out some projects around the house while "M" naps and I've cooked dinner more nights than not. Mike was previously in charge of supper because he got home much earlier than I did. I'm sure he's thankful to have passed that baton. I have time to grocery shop now, go to the gym and run errands, too. We are also able to go to church on Wednesday nights, something we haven't done since I was on maternity leave 6+ years ago. I'm also going to facilitate a women's Bible study next month - very excited about that. We've been able to catch up on doctor's appointments and visit family and friends. Of course caseworkers, CASA and the attorney visits are now during the day instead of in the evening after work which is a HUGE break for our family. Leaving work to pick up kids and make it home before visits was very disruptive to our nightly routine.
It's not all been sunshine and rainbows but it's worth the sacrifices. Getting to stay home with my kiddos, especially when they are little, knowing they are safe and happy means the world to me. Being able to support Mike as he advances his career is pretty cool, too. Being able to open our home to more foster children further supports what we've been called to do. It's pretty cool to see God work it all out and to Him we give thanks.
In the interest of full disclosure, I was pretty freaked out by day one and it was only a Saturday. "M" was teething pretty hard core and would scream the second I put her down. I'm very fond of my personal space, very claustrophobic (I don't even like tight seat belts....) so I was wiped out after 5 hours of holding a sweaty, whiny baby. I panicked, wondering what I had signed myself up for. Satan has a way of sneaking in and playing on your insecurities. Thankfully after some Tylenol for her and a nap for both of us, we were fine. We've had a couple of bumpy days since then, but for the most part, we've really enjoyed our time together.
My time with Henry has been great as well. I was able to attend his end of year awards ceremony and hang out with him more after school. Seeing him finish kindergarten was a good reminder of how fast time goes, especially when you aren't home. Our mornings now move really slow and it's been great for both of us.
I've been able to knock out some projects around the house while "M" naps and I've cooked dinner more nights than not. Mike was previously in charge of supper because he got home much earlier than I did. I'm sure he's thankful to have passed that baton. I have time to grocery shop now, go to the gym and run errands, too. We are also able to go to church on Wednesday nights, something we haven't done since I was on maternity leave 6+ years ago. I'm also going to facilitate a women's Bible study next month - very excited about that. We've been able to catch up on doctor's appointments and visit family and friends. Of course caseworkers, CASA and the attorney visits are now during the day instead of in the evening after work which is a HUGE break for our family. Leaving work to pick up kids and make it home before visits was very disruptive to our nightly routine.
It's not all been sunshine and rainbows but it's worth the sacrifices. Getting to stay home with my kiddos, especially when they are little, knowing they are safe and happy means the world to me. Being able to support Mike as he advances his career is pretty cool, too. Being able to open our home to more foster children further supports what we've been called to do. It's pretty cool to see God work it all out and to Him we give thanks.
Friday, May 20, 2016
The first year
A year ago today, about this time of night, we were anticipating the arrival of our first foster placement. We knew very little about the 2 year old boy that was en route or about what was ahead for our family. The CPS investigator arrived with an incredibly adorable little boy with dark hair and dark eyes and the longest eyelashes I had ever seen on a child. "A" was scared. And dirty. And he smelled bad. He had a horrible day and God only knows what he had endured in the weeks prior. We were told why he was removed and admittedly, like a rookie, I cried for him. I couldn't believe any human being, let alone someone that was supposed to love him, could have done those things to him. I felt a very primal urge to hunt them down and seek his revenge. I didn't like that side of me and after 4 placements, I still feel the same way about each of my kiddos.
Just after 10pm, after 45 minutes of signing papers, and very little information about this child, the investigator and our caseworker were gone. The moment we had worked so hard for was here and I don't think we could have been more scared. I can't fathom what "A" was thinking, being in a new place with total strangers. I wasn't sure what to do next, much like when we brought Henry home from the hospital. My nurturing side came out and I grabbed a bowl of Goldfish, hoping he would eat. Oh buddy, he ate. And ate. And ate. I was so relieved. I silently prayed that I could win him over, desperately wanting him to trust us. After a couple of stories, we got him cleaned up and into pjs, ready for bed. Surprisingly, "A" slept like a champ that night. Henry was so excited to finally have a little brother, he had a little trouble winding down that night. I was in the same boat, lying wide awake well after midnight. I will never forget Mike and I lying in bed, staring at the ceiling in total shock. We both agreed that yes, we were living the most surreal experience of our lives.
The next couple of weeks were challenging and honestly, disheartening. "A" was presumably mistreated by a woman so he didn't want a thing to do with me or any other woman for that matter. That was tough on my mama heart, my sister and our moms as well. We wanted to love on this little guy and he just wanted us out of his sight. After much trial and error and LOTS of prayer, "A" finally came around and trusted us. The bonding process began and the changes in him were almost instantaneous. He came to us completely non-verbal, but over the new few weeks, he learned all kinds of words and before we knew it, we were hearing his laughter. What a precious, sweet sound.
Reflecting today, I can't believe a year has passed. So many feelings from that first night, the shock, the uncertainty, the fear, it's all still very real to me. Mike jokes that we are seasoned veterans now. I thought he was silly for saying that, but I agree that we've grown so much since that first night. We know our true calling now - that we are to love and serve without limitations or boundaries. We are to love on their families even when they seem unlovable. We are to serve and love like Christ - we aren't perfect but we have the perfect example in Him.
Just after 10pm, after 45 minutes of signing papers, and very little information about this child, the investigator and our caseworker were gone. The moment we had worked so hard for was here and I don't think we could have been more scared. I can't fathom what "A" was thinking, being in a new place with total strangers. I wasn't sure what to do next, much like when we brought Henry home from the hospital. My nurturing side came out and I grabbed a bowl of Goldfish, hoping he would eat. Oh buddy, he ate. And ate. And ate. I was so relieved. I silently prayed that I could win him over, desperately wanting him to trust us. After a couple of stories, we got him cleaned up and into pjs, ready for bed. Surprisingly, "A" slept like a champ that night. Henry was so excited to finally have a little brother, he had a little trouble winding down that night. I was in the same boat, lying wide awake well after midnight. I will never forget Mike and I lying in bed, staring at the ceiling in total shock. We both agreed that yes, we were living the most surreal experience of our lives.
The next couple of weeks were challenging and honestly, disheartening. "A" was presumably mistreated by a woman so he didn't want a thing to do with me or any other woman for that matter. That was tough on my mama heart, my sister and our moms as well. We wanted to love on this little guy and he just wanted us out of his sight. After much trial and error and LOTS of prayer, "A" finally came around and trusted us. The bonding process began and the changes in him were almost instantaneous. He came to us completely non-verbal, but over the new few weeks, he learned all kinds of words and before we knew it, we were hearing his laughter. What a precious, sweet sound.
Reflecting today, I can't believe a year has passed. So many feelings from that first night, the shock, the uncertainty, the fear, it's all still very real to me. Mike jokes that we are seasoned veterans now. I thought he was silly for saying that, but I agree that we've grown so much since that first night. We know our true calling now - that we are to love and serve without limitations or boundaries. We are to love on their families even when they seem unlovable. We are to serve and love like Christ - we aren't perfect but we have the perfect example in Him.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Motherhood
Growing up, I always assumed I would someday be a mom. I had a great mom growing up, still do, and I assumed motherhood was the natural progression of life, it would someday happen. My sister had a baby when I was 21 and I quickly realized that while babies, especially my niece were super adorable, I was terribly nervous around them. She was so tiny, she cried every time I held her and I nearly threw up the first time and well, every time I changed her diaper. She was scary. And she was a little gross, too. I loved her, she was precious, but she scared me. I was newly married but still in college and knew I was nowhere near having babies. I thought it would be years down the road, quite frankly, if ever. With my medical issues, at the ripe age of 22, my doctor told me my insides were such a mess and that I would probably struggle to have children and she warned me not to wait too long. In my early 20s, I certainly didn't get wrapped up in that. I was in no place to have a baby and I did my very best to prevent having a baby. Funny how we make plans....
Eleven years ago today, I celebrated my first Mother's Day. I was 9 weeks pregnant and terrified of the responsibility to care for another human being. That day, the day reserved for the most special ladies in our life, was a turning point. I felt as if God had blessed me and my family with a child and it was time to be excited about the new life that was growing. The life that I was growing. Unfortunately, just 5 days later, on Friday the 13th, I began to miscarry. I was devastated. I was angry. I was confused. I was lost. I felt guilty. I felt guilty because a week before I was trying to force myself to be happy about this baby. I felt like God was punishing me for not being happy about this new life. That was all from Satan, those feelings were not from God.
Fast forward a handful of years to when I thought I was finally ready to be a mom. I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I felt like Mike and I were ready. I needed to be a mom. My heart ached for a baby, my baby, for so long. I will never forget calling Mike on the phone to share the news that we were finally! finally! pregnant with a baby. I'm sitting here all teary-eyed thinking about it, what a happy day. While I was cautiously optimistic, I tried so hard not to live in fear. I wasn't going to let fear ruin my happiness. Mike and I have joked about this, albeit crass, God gave you what you want now shut up and be happy about it.
My journey to motherhood was rough, but mercy, the actual motherhood was way more tough. Right out of the gate, I had postpartum depression. Ironic seeing that not only did I write my thesis about PPD, I wanted this child for YEARS. I prayed for this child day after day. Proof that I just can't be pleased. In all seriousness, it was a real struggle and I just couldn't snap out of it. So thankful for my husband, our moms and my sister for helping me through that dark time in my life. I tell you all of this because although I wanted to be a mother for a few years, I haven't always been happy to be a mom. I'm not a perfect mom by any stretch of the imagination and on some days, I might be nothing more than an okay mom.
I think the majority of moms would agree that some days we want to just mail it in and have a lazy day. We want a day without worry, arguing, or the physical and emotional demands it takes to get through even the most mundane of days. Motherhood is a tough gig. One that was much harder than I thought it would be. Each stage you survive, you have the false sense of hope that "Hey, I've got this mom thing down," and then your precious spawn humbles you in a big way. God is funny about that, too. He humbles us and breaks down the old us and builds us up in to something better. I had my thoughts and dreams on how it would be but God showed me a better reality. Think about how much you love your child(ren). God loves you infinitely more than that. Pretty cool, huh?
So, admittedly through motherhood, God has changed me. Motherhood now is much different than what I thought it would look like. I'm still taken aback when I see Ninja Turtle underwear on the bathroom floor or when I have to repeatedly remind this boy version clone of mine that we don't talk about THAT body part or THAT bodily function in front of company. I'm still shocked at how much a child can eat without throwing up or on the contrary when the same kid won't eat anything for an entire day but still has the fuel to be a loud, dirty, noisy boy all day. The smell of sweat or an upset tummy. The burping. The tooting. The grunting and wrestling. The crying over absolutely nothing but it's everything to him because he was up too late the night before and ran like a maniac all day. Motherhood now has lots of laundry. Lots of picking up. Lots of laughter. Lots of tears. Lots of love. Lots of praying. Lots of apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Lots of grace. And patience. Mercy, the patience!
Kids are still scary and they are most certainly still gross. Motherhood is absolutely scary and most definitely gross. I'm thankful that God picked me to raise this little munchkin, boy stuff and all. I'm thankful He trusted me to be a Mama Lacey to whoever comes through this door. I'm thankful for my own mom who has guided me and supported me. She hurts when I hurt, which affirms that I might not be as crazy to react how I do when Henry hurts. Motherhood has been an interesting journey and I'm thankful to live it and I'm even more thankful God has molded me into the mom I was created to be.
Eleven years ago today, I celebrated my first Mother's Day. I was 9 weeks pregnant and terrified of the responsibility to care for another human being. That day, the day reserved for the most special ladies in our life, was a turning point. I felt as if God had blessed me and my family with a child and it was time to be excited about the new life that was growing. The life that I was growing. Unfortunately, just 5 days later, on Friday the 13th, I began to miscarry. I was devastated. I was angry. I was confused. I was lost. I felt guilty. I felt guilty because a week before I was trying to force myself to be happy about this baby. I felt like God was punishing me for not being happy about this new life. That was all from Satan, those feelings were not from God.
Fast forward a handful of years to when I thought I was finally ready to be a mom. I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I felt like Mike and I were ready. I needed to be a mom. My heart ached for a baby, my baby, for so long. I will never forget calling Mike on the phone to share the news that we were finally! finally! pregnant with a baby. I'm sitting here all teary-eyed thinking about it, what a happy day. While I was cautiously optimistic, I tried so hard not to live in fear. I wasn't going to let fear ruin my happiness. Mike and I have joked about this, albeit crass, God gave you what you want now shut up and be happy about it.
My journey to motherhood was rough, but mercy, the actual motherhood was way more tough. Right out of the gate, I had postpartum depression. Ironic seeing that not only did I write my thesis about PPD, I wanted this child for YEARS. I prayed for this child day after day. Proof that I just can't be pleased. In all seriousness, it was a real struggle and I just couldn't snap out of it. So thankful for my husband, our moms and my sister for helping me through that dark time in my life. I tell you all of this because although I wanted to be a mother for a few years, I haven't always been happy to be a mom. I'm not a perfect mom by any stretch of the imagination and on some days, I might be nothing more than an okay mom.
I think the majority of moms would agree that some days we want to just mail it in and have a lazy day. We want a day without worry, arguing, or the physical and emotional demands it takes to get through even the most mundane of days. Motherhood is a tough gig. One that was much harder than I thought it would be. Each stage you survive, you have the false sense of hope that "Hey, I've got this mom thing down," and then your precious spawn humbles you in a big way. God is funny about that, too. He humbles us and breaks down the old us and builds us up in to something better. I had my thoughts and dreams on how it would be but God showed me a better reality. Think about how much you love your child(ren). God loves you infinitely more than that. Pretty cool, huh?
So, admittedly through motherhood, God has changed me. Motherhood now is much different than what I thought it would look like. I'm still taken aback when I see Ninja Turtle underwear on the bathroom floor or when I have to repeatedly remind this boy version clone of mine that we don't talk about THAT body part or THAT bodily function in front of company. I'm still shocked at how much a child can eat without throwing up or on the contrary when the same kid won't eat anything for an entire day but still has the fuel to be a loud, dirty, noisy boy all day. The smell of sweat or an upset tummy. The burping. The tooting. The grunting and wrestling. The crying over absolutely nothing but it's everything to him because he was up too late the night before and ran like a maniac all day. Motherhood now has lots of laundry. Lots of picking up. Lots of laughter. Lots of tears. Lots of love. Lots of praying. Lots of apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Lots of grace. And patience. Mercy, the patience!
Kids are still scary and they are most certainly still gross. Motherhood is absolutely scary and most definitely gross. I'm thankful that God picked me to raise this little munchkin, boy stuff and all. I'm thankful He trusted me to be a Mama Lacey to whoever comes through this door. I'm thankful for my own mom who has guided me and supported me. She hurts when I hurt, which affirms that I might not be as crazy to react how I do when Henry hurts. Motherhood has been an interesting journey and I'm thankful to live it and I'm even more thankful God has molded me into the mom I was created to be.
Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
Friday, May 6, 2016
How are you guys?
I've heard that question so many times over the last 5 weeks since the girls left and now, I can honestly say, I'm doing better than I have in I don't even know how long.
Did I get the biggest sucker punch of my life when the girls abruptly left? You betcha.
Did I stomp my feet and throw a pity party? Sure did.
Did I handle it the best way I could? Probably not, but I learned a lot from it.
Since all of that, I've been able to start working on a relationship with the girls' mother and even got to visit them last week. It was so good getting to see their smiles and snuggle up on the couch with them. My heart needed that. It was time to move on even if I didn't want to and seeing them ok with their mom made it apparent. Crying and carrying on wasn't going to bring them back to me.
Mike was a big time encouragement to me. He reminded me of why we were serving in the first place and that pity, fear and anger were not from the Lord. He let me grieve, but he was also encouraging that it was time to move on with life and not get stuck in the things I couldn't change.
He was so right and I'm thankful to have a husband that's a leader in our marriage. We reopened our home and within a matter of 12 hours, a new little lady was welcomed. The first 3 nights were horrific. She had an ear infection on top of teething so sleep was a thing of the past. I couldn't comfort her and I felt like a failure. I cried to Mike and said awful things I didn't mean (full disclosure: I said I didn't want to bring babies home again. Ever again. Funny the things we say and don't mean when we're sleep deprived. Especially me. I NEED my sleep.)
But God heard my cries, and probably hers too, and we finally established a routine after that yucky ear infection cleared up. Now I get the biggest drool-soaked grins when I walk in the room and I'm somebody's favorite person, even if it hurts Daddy Mike's feelings. Ha! Henry is happier again, too, which is a huge relief for my heart. We are enjoying this new little person to love on and getting to know her has been so good for the soul. We've been reminded that the need to love and serve in this capacity is so big that we are doing a bigger disservice wallowing in our own grief. We are happier when we are serving.
Psalm 30:11-12 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever.
Did I get the biggest sucker punch of my life when the girls abruptly left? You betcha.
Did I stomp my feet and throw a pity party? Sure did.
Did I handle it the best way I could? Probably not, but I learned a lot from it.
Since all of that, I've been able to start working on a relationship with the girls' mother and even got to visit them last week. It was so good getting to see their smiles and snuggle up on the couch with them. My heart needed that. It was time to move on even if I didn't want to and seeing them ok with their mom made it apparent. Crying and carrying on wasn't going to bring them back to me.
Mike was a big time encouragement to me. He reminded me of why we were serving in the first place and that pity, fear and anger were not from the Lord. He let me grieve, but he was also encouraging that it was time to move on with life and not get stuck in the things I couldn't change.
He was so right and I'm thankful to have a husband that's a leader in our marriage. We reopened our home and within a matter of 12 hours, a new little lady was welcomed. The first 3 nights were horrific. She had an ear infection on top of teething so sleep was a thing of the past. I couldn't comfort her and I felt like a failure. I cried to Mike and said awful things I didn't mean (full disclosure: I said I didn't want to bring babies home again. Ever again. Funny the things we say and don't mean when we're sleep deprived. Especially me. I NEED my sleep.)
But God heard my cries, and probably hers too, and we finally established a routine after that yucky ear infection cleared up. Now I get the biggest drool-soaked grins when I walk in the room and I'm somebody's favorite person, even if it hurts Daddy Mike's feelings. Ha! Henry is happier again, too, which is a huge relief for my heart. We are enjoying this new little person to love on and getting to know her has been so good for the soul. We've been reminded that the need to love and serve in this capacity is so big that we are doing a bigger disservice wallowing in our own grief. We are happier when we are serving.
Psalm 30:11-12 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Emotions
Unless you listen to the Hardline on The Ticket, you probably won't get this reference but, this segment is about crying.
What a week it's been. Big Sister and Baby Sister left a week ago and while it feels like a lifetime since I held them, I can also still hear their laughter, see their smiles and smell them when I walk into their rooms. What a roller coaster the last 7+ months have been. There were so many ups and way too many downs. Life was hard. Of course, having more kids than adults in the house isn't easy, but the emotional toll just about pushed me over the edge.
Growing up, I was a sensitive kid. Scratch that. A VERY sensitive kid. My emotions were always on my face. I was a hot mess. My parents and sister are saints for putting up with my incessant drama. All of that carried on until my mid-20s and it was like a light switch was flipped off. Sure, I still get weepy, especially at church, but I like to think my skin has thickened a bit. I definitely get wound up still, but I'm not as much of a blubbering mess anymore. Last Thursday, I was literally sick from all the emotion. Other than the obvious reactions, I was mortified that I crumbled like that at work. My mascara was around my jawline before I could get to the car to call Mike and tell him the horrible news. I drove to his work so we could pick the girls up and I was so close to barfing, I had to pull over and make him drive. Gut wrenching. I sobbed off and on the rest of the day, but by Friday morning, I had my game face on. I cried a little in church on Sunday, but held it together with the exception of a particular song during worship. After an aptly named sermon "It's not about you," we went to the altar to pray and repent, I kept it together. Completely unbeknownst to me, there were several ladies that came up behind us to pray and while I was completely overwhelmed by their support and presence, I still managed to hold it together. It wasn't until I cried Monday night over ice cream with some precious friends at DQ that it hit me. I was in shock. Four days of living in total shock.
See, by Thursday afternoon, I was in list mode, trying to get the girls' things together all while tending the 3 ring circus on the home front, that I just pushed all of the feelings aside. I wouldn't let myself go there. At least not completely. I wouldn't let the hurt or the fear or the anything bad come over me. I wanted to enjoy every second with my girls before they left. I made Baby Sister belly laugh and I kissed all over Big Sister. I told both girls that Jesus loved them and so did I. I told Big Sister to take care of her sister, to be sweet for mom. When it was time for work the next morning, I had to suck it up and put one foot in front of the other. My boss was so kind and told me I could work from home, but let's be honest, the LAST thing I wanted was to be in this big house all by myself. That night we went out to dinner as a family with our best friends and their daughter and it was much needed down time. For the first time in I don't know how long, I didn't have to stop eating my meal to take care of someone else. Selfishly, it was amazing. I felt so free but so guilty.
The weekend carried on with baseball, Henry's birthday party, church and chores. By Sunday afternoon, I felt a wave of worry hit me. I kept telling satan to get back, Jesus has my right hand. He's bigger than you. I think the worry hits me harder than anything else. I have ZERO idea what's going on with the girls that I loved and nurtured all that time. I feel selfish for feeling this way, these aren't my kids, but at the same time, again, selfishly, I don't think I'm asking all that much. It's hard letting go of people you care about, having confidence in someone you don't know and trusting in the Lord, asking Him to guide you. But let me tell you something about faith from the book of James - James 1:6: But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
What a week it's been. Big Sister and Baby Sister left a week ago and while it feels like a lifetime since I held them, I can also still hear their laughter, see their smiles and smell them when I walk into their rooms. What a roller coaster the last 7+ months have been. There were so many ups and way too many downs. Life was hard. Of course, having more kids than adults in the house isn't easy, but the emotional toll just about pushed me over the edge.
Growing up, I was a sensitive kid. Scratch that. A VERY sensitive kid. My emotions were always on my face. I was a hot mess. My parents and sister are saints for putting up with my incessant drama. All of that carried on until my mid-20s and it was like a light switch was flipped off. Sure, I still get weepy, especially at church, but I like to think my skin has thickened a bit. I definitely get wound up still, but I'm not as much of a blubbering mess anymore. Last Thursday, I was literally sick from all the emotion. Other than the obvious reactions, I was mortified that I crumbled like that at work. My mascara was around my jawline before I could get to the car to call Mike and tell him the horrible news. I drove to his work so we could pick the girls up and I was so close to barfing, I had to pull over and make him drive. Gut wrenching. I sobbed off and on the rest of the day, but by Friday morning, I had my game face on. I cried a little in church on Sunday, but held it together with the exception of a particular song during worship. After an aptly named sermon "It's not about you," we went to the altar to pray and repent, I kept it together. Completely unbeknownst to me, there were several ladies that came up behind us to pray and while I was completely overwhelmed by their support and presence, I still managed to hold it together. It wasn't until I cried Monday night over ice cream with some precious friends at DQ that it hit me. I was in shock. Four days of living in total shock.
See, by Thursday afternoon, I was in list mode, trying to get the girls' things together all while tending the 3 ring circus on the home front, that I just pushed all of the feelings aside. I wouldn't let myself go there. At least not completely. I wouldn't let the hurt or the fear or the anything bad come over me. I wanted to enjoy every second with my girls before they left. I made Baby Sister belly laugh and I kissed all over Big Sister. I told both girls that Jesus loved them and so did I. I told Big Sister to take care of her sister, to be sweet for mom. When it was time for work the next morning, I had to suck it up and put one foot in front of the other. My boss was so kind and told me I could work from home, but let's be honest, the LAST thing I wanted was to be in this big house all by myself. That night we went out to dinner as a family with our best friends and their daughter and it was much needed down time. For the first time in I don't know how long, I didn't have to stop eating my meal to take care of someone else. Selfishly, it was amazing. I felt so free but so guilty.
The weekend carried on with baseball, Henry's birthday party, church and chores. By Sunday afternoon, I felt a wave of worry hit me. I kept telling satan to get back, Jesus has my right hand. He's bigger than you. I think the worry hits me harder than anything else. I have ZERO idea what's going on with the girls that I loved and nurtured all that time. I feel selfish for feeling this way, these aren't my kids, but at the same time, again, selfishly, I don't think I'm asking all that much. It's hard letting go of people you care about, having confidence in someone you don't know and trusting in the Lord, asking Him to guide you. But let me tell you something about faith from the book of James - James 1:6: But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
A letter to Henry on his 6th birthday
Every year I know it's coming and every year it amazes me that another has come and gone. Henry, you're SIX today!
I know every year I'm proud of you and I dote on you, but man, this year? This year has been the best so far! Five was met with it's own challenges - you started kindergarten and while you were thrilled to be there, you were so tired you didn't know if you were coming or going. In a parent teacher conference, your teacher said you are "delightful." I remember being taken a back by it when she said it, sure made me proud of you. You're learning how to read and write, you've learned all kinds of things about history (you and Daddy are totally going to geek out together someday!), you've made new friends and you've found a love of cafeteria food (especially Ice Cream Wednesday).
You also became a big brother in May and my goodness, you more than
exceeded our expectations on how you would do in that role. You're
always looking out for them, wanting them to join the fun.
Recently at Chick-fil-A, you did a little craft by yourself and came
back to the table to show off your creation. D got really excited and
wanted one as well. Without being asked, you took her by the hand and
showed her the way. I know you don't know anything about racial
differences (and I pray you always live like that!!), but we saw more
than one family smiling, watching you hold your sister's hand, so proud
to help her. You love her like Jesus loves us, unconditionally. Ok, I'm crying now but you know I do that for happy reasons all the time.
You have been a stellar big brother, loving a little brother and two
little sisters as if they were your own. If this is any glimpse into
your adulthood, you're going to make me and your Daddy very proud.
When Big Sister joined our family, you were so proud to call her your sister.
When Baby Sister came in August, you asked if she was real and if we could keep her.
You are still Lego obsessed and have become even more proficient with building. Just this past weekend, you built an entire 400+ pc set all by yourself in a little over an hour. You amaze us with your ability to create your own ideas or even follow the directions and build. Everyone says you get that from your Papa, but I was quite the Lego and K'Nex builder during my childhood, too. You enjoy baseball, swimming and driving your truck. Oh and running through the house like a maniac. You've tested gravity too many times for my liking, but thankfully you were a quick study in physics and learned that riding the laundry basket face first off the couch wasn't as fun as you thought it would be.
Your sense of humor is hilarious and admittedly, I have to use a poker face with you on a daily basis. You still think toilet humor is the best and easiest way to get a laugh, your Daddy is to blame for that. He's taught you how to name call and I often catch myself giggling (because who doesn't think "monkey butt smeller" is funny?!). You told me the other day that "Jesus washed people's feet because they stepped in dirt, mud and camel poop." Good insight and you're probably right about all of that.
Henry, Daddy and I are so proud to see you growing up into a little man. You have a heart as big as your personality, will and determination that will take you far in life and a sense of humor to compensate when it's needed. God bless you, kid. We love you to Heaven and back!
Thursday, February 25, 2016
New Kitchen
Something really exciting happened here at home this week - our kitchen remodel is complete! Well as complete as it's going to be for now. Hoping to have new appliances installed next year, but I'll enjoy all the other new stuff now!
This house had UGLY laminate counters and UGLY linoleum floors when we bought it. In 2014, we had new floors put in the house aside from the bathrooms and bedrooms. I was so glad to get rid of the funky floors, but I felt like it made the countertops look even more out of place. Fast forward a year and I begged for new countertops. I argued the case that if we aren't moving out of here anytime soon, let's make this place how we want it, something we're proud of.
Before the grout
We need to do some touch up paint and switch out the electrical socket face plates but that's about it for now. Of course now I want to tackle our fireplace and bathrooms, but I've been advised by Mr. of the house to tap the brakes for now. I'll keep working on him. :)
This house had UGLY laminate counters and UGLY linoleum floors when we bought it. In 2014, we had new floors put in the house aside from the bathrooms and bedrooms. I was so glad to get rid of the funky floors, but I felt like it made the countertops look even more out of place. Fast forward a year and I begged for new countertops. I argued the case that if we aren't moving out of here anytime soon, let's make this place how we want it, something we're proud of.
Lots of fun memories in the kitchen - might as well make it a place you enjoy being in
Don't miss this at all!
We made countless trips to Lowe's and Home Depot, second guessed our
design choices more than once, (I did anyway, Mike was pretty flexible with my indecisiveness) but we finally settled on quartz countertops and ceramic mosiac subway tile for the backsplash.
New sink, faucet and countertops
Backsplash installed
View from living and dining room
We need to do some touch up paint and switch out the electrical socket face plates but that's about it for now. Of course now I want to tackle our fireplace and bathrooms, but I've been advised by Mr. of the house to tap the brakes for now. I'll keep working on him. :)
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Perspective
As far back as I can remember, our family has used the term "cranky pants" for whenever someone was just that, cranky. If you're not playing nicely, you have cranky pants. Well, I for one, have been wearing my cranky pants for way too long. There, I said it. I'm telling you this now to hold me accountable. If you catch me being cranky, call me out on it. I don't want to wear cranky pants any longer.
Let's get to the root of the problem; why have I worn cranky pants for so long? Easy answer: y'all, I'm tired. I haven't had an uninterrupted night of sleep in 6 months. As soon as my alarm clock goes off at 5:15am, or the baby wakes up, whichever comes first, my day starts. There isn't time for "me" aside from going to the bathroom or driving to work and let's face it, neither of those is fun or about me. After I get the kids out the door for school, it's time for work and while I enjoy my job and the people I work with, I struggle turning off my mind to all that needs to be at home. Laundry to be done and put away. Dogs that need attention. Meals to cook and clean up after. Paperwork. Seriously, foster care paper work has made me more organized and over it all in one breath. Errands need to be run. A house that needs to be cleaned. Stories to be read. Kids to be prayed over. Patience to be had. I haven't stepped in my craft room for creative purposes in I don't even know when. (Baby Sister moved in there in October, but all I see now is her crib and changing table.) After the work day, I get back in the car, try to listen to the radio and decompress. I don't have a stressful job, but my brain is tired by the end of the day. And I know that five or six hours of broken sleep isn't helping that. By the time I get Henry picked up and home, thankfully, Mike is usually done cooking dinner. He's charming and he cooks! Winner winner, chicken dinner! Dinner is usually entertaining and I cherish the time we're all together, no tv, just the 5 of us. Bath time, bed time routine and by 9pm most nights (until the baby started teething!!) all 3 precious cherub faces are quietly dreaming away. Peace and quiet is my favorite sound.
Not time to rest though. Now it's time to get ready for the next day, do the dishes and put away the load of laundry that's anxiously waiting to be bailed out of the dryer. By the time I lay down, I don't want to go to sleep because it's just at this moment I get time for ME! Mike and I have made it a point to spend at least 30 minutes together nightly which has been a much needed change. 30 minutes is tough though because I know I need to be asleep, but gosh, I haven't really talked to my husband all day. Plus, before Baby Sister came along, we had about 2 hours a night to hang out. I usually stay up too late and regret it in the morning. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Sounds like a big pity party and I promise it's not that. Just explaining why my attitude stinks, that's all. It's a lot of work to be a parent and pair that with working full time and trying to be everything to everyone, I'm burned out. Our pastor has a saying that I really like "Quit your stinkin' thinking!"
See, it's not all challenging. We have been SO blessed recently and for years prior. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that God never promised us that life would be easy. He didn't make it easy on his son Jesus, why would I expect anything superior?
So I'm counting my blessings. I have an amazing husband (remember, he cooks!) but we share a great life together. I can be snarky or cranky for a little bit and he doesn't hold it against me. He makes me laugh and he supports my crazy ideas (Let's have 3 kids, she said.) He takes his family to church every Sunday and is teaching his son how to be a man. He's been with the same company for almost 10 years and he makes an honest living, he takes pride in his work. He's been faithful to me for nearly a decade and tells me that he's proud of me. Our parents, they are nothing short of amazing and not only did they raise awesome kids (Ha!) but they are actively involved in their grandkids' lives as well. We couldn't do this parenting gig without them, that's for sure. We have awesome friends and extended family, too that support and encourage us. We have a weekend trip planned, just the two of us and I'm really looking forward to time to reconnect and quite honestly, to get even just one night of sleep!! We also have a family vacation planned soon and I'm excited to get away and explore a new place. I've been able to get out more and do fun things and Mike has too. We are currently in the middle of a kitchen renovation and we are super proud of that. We've had a janky kitchen for too long and it's so nice to put money into fun stuff for the house instead of a new fence or new roof like years past.
Cranky pants are off and I feel better now. Sometimes all we need is a change of perspective and I know without a doubt that I've been more than blessed. Blessed beyond measure. I hope if nothing else, you're encouraged to see the brighter side of life as well. The challenges in our lives are often God's way of bringing out bigger blessings or helping us grow out of our selfish punk attitudes. Let's make it a great week. You might be the smile someone sees when they need it most.
Let's get to the root of the problem; why have I worn cranky pants for so long? Easy answer: y'all, I'm tired. I haven't had an uninterrupted night of sleep in 6 months. As soon as my alarm clock goes off at 5:15am, or the baby wakes up, whichever comes first, my day starts. There isn't time for "me" aside from going to the bathroom or driving to work and let's face it, neither of those is fun or about me. After I get the kids out the door for school, it's time for work and while I enjoy my job and the people I work with, I struggle turning off my mind to all that needs to be at home. Laundry to be done and put away. Dogs that need attention. Meals to cook and clean up after. Paperwork. Seriously, foster care paper work has made me more organized and over it all in one breath. Errands need to be run. A house that needs to be cleaned. Stories to be read. Kids to be prayed over. Patience to be had. I haven't stepped in my craft room for creative purposes in I don't even know when. (Baby Sister moved in there in October, but all I see now is her crib and changing table.) After the work day, I get back in the car, try to listen to the radio and decompress. I don't have a stressful job, but my brain is tired by the end of the day. And I know that five or six hours of broken sleep isn't helping that. By the time I get Henry picked up and home, thankfully, Mike is usually done cooking dinner. He's charming and he cooks! Winner winner, chicken dinner! Dinner is usually entertaining and I cherish the time we're all together, no tv, just the 5 of us. Bath time, bed time routine and by 9pm most nights (until the baby started teething!!) all 3 precious cherub faces are quietly dreaming away. Peace and quiet is my favorite sound.
Not time to rest though. Now it's time to get ready for the next day, do the dishes and put away the load of laundry that's anxiously waiting to be bailed out of the dryer. By the time I lay down, I don't want to go to sleep because it's just at this moment I get time for ME! Mike and I have made it a point to spend at least 30 minutes together nightly which has been a much needed change. 30 minutes is tough though because I know I need to be asleep, but gosh, I haven't really talked to my husband all day. Plus, before Baby Sister came along, we had about 2 hours a night to hang out. I usually stay up too late and regret it in the morning. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Sounds like a big pity party and I promise it's not that. Just explaining why my attitude stinks, that's all. It's a lot of work to be a parent and pair that with working full time and trying to be everything to everyone, I'm burned out. Our pastor has a saying that I really like "Quit your stinkin' thinking!"
See, it's not all challenging. We have been SO blessed recently and for years prior. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that God never promised us that life would be easy. He didn't make it easy on his son Jesus, why would I expect anything superior?
So I'm counting my blessings. I have an amazing husband (remember, he cooks!) but we share a great life together. I can be snarky or cranky for a little bit and he doesn't hold it against me. He makes me laugh and he supports my crazy ideas (Let's have 3 kids, she said.) He takes his family to church every Sunday and is teaching his son how to be a man. He's been with the same company for almost 10 years and he makes an honest living, he takes pride in his work. He's been faithful to me for nearly a decade and tells me that he's proud of me. Our parents, they are nothing short of amazing and not only did they raise awesome kids (Ha!) but they are actively involved in their grandkids' lives as well. We couldn't do this parenting gig without them, that's for sure. We have awesome friends and extended family, too that support and encourage us. We have a weekend trip planned, just the two of us and I'm really looking forward to time to reconnect and quite honestly, to get even just one night of sleep!! We also have a family vacation planned soon and I'm excited to get away and explore a new place. I've been able to get out more and do fun things and Mike has too. We are currently in the middle of a kitchen renovation and we are super proud of that. We've had a janky kitchen for too long and it's so nice to put money into fun stuff for the house instead of a new fence or new roof like years past.
Cranky pants are off and I feel better now. Sometimes all we need is a change of perspective and I know without a doubt that I've been more than blessed. Blessed beyond measure. I hope if nothing else, you're encouraged to see the brighter side of life as well. The challenges in our lives are often God's way of bringing out bigger blessings or helping us grow out of our selfish punk attitudes. Let's make it a great week. You might be the smile someone sees when they need it most.
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Fear not
So it's been 3 months with 3 kids. Holland Family - party of FIVE. Y'all, that's a lot of people. I know so many families with 3 kids, but honestly that's not something that I've ever wanted. Not in a judgmental way, family size is a personal choice and anyone with feedback on that needs to keep it to themselves. Before October, I wouldn't have signed up for 3 because I lived in fear. Fear of being outnumbered, fear of failure and fear of losing myself.
Fear of being outnumbered: On our 3rd full day of having Big Sister, I got hit with a stomach bug. Fever and all the unpleasant things that come with a viral stomach bug. You've been there. Horrible. This left Mike flying solo on the biggest zone coverage he's ever faced, all alone with 3 people ages 5 and under to care. I felt terrible for him but I knew he could handle it, it wasn't permanent, just one morning and one evening. He did amazing, just like I knew he would. But wouldn't you know, Mike ended up with the same bug that night after all the kids were in bed. UNCLE!! I don't know about you, but picking myself up and being there for 3 needy people on the back nine of that virus, mercy, I was overwhelmed at just the though. But I figured I've done things that were way more scary than taking care of 3 little people by myself. Here we go. Henry was dropped off at school on time. Girls dropped off and I made it to work on time. The nighttime routine was chaotic but you know what? We survived. Now, Mike and I work as a team. We usually go by the divide and conquer routine and we generally don't leave the house without at least one kid in tow while the other stays behind.
Fear of failure: 3 kids is a lot of work, that's a no-brainer. But tack on 2 parents working full-time AND foster care, yeah, that's a recipe for a good nightmare. Laundry is a constant, but a wise friend of mine with 3 kids told me to do laundry every single day. How much fun does that sound? It's not so bad and there's an artificial sense of accomplishment when the last outfit is hung up and all the socks are where they are supposed to be. A little deeper in the failure arena, I know I can't be everything to everyone and for the first time in my life, I feel at peace with that. I joked with the girls' attorney last week that I feel like a triage nurse. I'm constantly assessing which need comes first. I've grown so much in that area, I feel confident that the kids are fine and it's ok if someone is impatient and bossy with my time. We will all survive if our toast is burned or if dinner is late getting to the table or if I'm searching for the right bow to match your outfit when Daddy Mike is rushing us out the door. We try to talk respectfully and kindly to one another and we apologize when we don't. We're not failing if we try.
Fear of losing myself: This one is tough for me because in the grand scheme of things, I needed a big change in my life. Maybe I was too comfortable before and didn't appreciate the little things. Maybe I was selfish. Maybe I was lazy or didn't give enough of me where it needed to be. Maybe my priorities were in the wrong place. Maybe it was time to grow from all of that to someone new. My life now is completely different than what I imagined but in the end, I'm ok with that. My goodness how my heart has been blessed. Seeing Baby Sister smile at me when I walk in the room. Big Sister asking me to read a book to her. Henry telling me that he loves his sisters, his mommy and his daddy. Watching Baby Sister roll over and surprise herself. Hearing Big Sister belly laugh and squeal back at Henry who is roaring like a lion, trying to chase her. Seeing Mike's pride through the smile on his face when all the kids are piled up in his lap. All BIG things worth giving up my little bit of free time. All big things worth giving up a clean house or a full night of sleep. In the end, it was ok to lose my old self because quite frankly, I like the new me better. I'm genuinely happier and I know without a doubt that God has my right hand. He's so much bigger than any of my fears.
Isaiah 41:13 - For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”
Fear of being outnumbered: On our 3rd full day of having Big Sister, I got hit with a stomach bug. Fever and all the unpleasant things that come with a viral stomach bug. You've been there. Horrible. This left Mike flying solo on the biggest zone coverage he's ever faced, all alone with 3 people ages 5 and under to care. I felt terrible for him but I knew he could handle it, it wasn't permanent, just one morning and one evening. He did amazing, just like I knew he would. But wouldn't you know, Mike ended up with the same bug that night after all the kids were in bed. UNCLE!! I don't know about you, but picking myself up and being there for 3 needy people on the back nine of that virus, mercy, I was overwhelmed at just the though. But I figured I've done things that were way more scary than taking care of 3 little people by myself. Here we go. Henry was dropped off at school on time. Girls dropped off and I made it to work on time. The nighttime routine was chaotic but you know what? We survived. Now, Mike and I work as a team. We usually go by the divide and conquer routine and we generally don't leave the house without at least one kid in tow while the other stays behind.
Fear of failure: 3 kids is a lot of work, that's a no-brainer. But tack on 2 parents working full-time AND foster care, yeah, that's a recipe for a good nightmare. Laundry is a constant, but a wise friend of mine with 3 kids told me to do laundry every single day. How much fun does that sound? It's not so bad and there's an artificial sense of accomplishment when the last outfit is hung up and all the socks are where they are supposed to be. A little deeper in the failure arena, I know I can't be everything to everyone and for the first time in my life, I feel at peace with that. I joked with the girls' attorney last week that I feel like a triage nurse. I'm constantly assessing which need comes first. I've grown so much in that area, I feel confident that the kids are fine and it's ok if someone is impatient and bossy with my time. We will all survive if our toast is burned or if dinner is late getting to the table or if I'm searching for the right bow to match your outfit when Daddy Mike is rushing us out the door. We try to talk respectfully and kindly to one another and we apologize when we don't. We're not failing if we try.
Fear of losing myself: This one is tough for me because in the grand scheme of things, I needed a big change in my life. Maybe I was too comfortable before and didn't appreciate the little things. Maybe I was selfish. Maybe I was lazy or didn't give enough of me where it needed to be. Maybe my priorities were in the wrong place. Maybe it was time to grow from all of that to someone new. My life now is completely different than what I imagined but in the end, I'm ok with that. My goodness how my heart has been blessed. Seeing Baby Sister smile at me when I walk in the room. Big Sister asking me to read a book to her. Henry telling me that he loves his sisters, his mommy and his daddy. Watching Baby Sister roll over and surprise herself. Hearing Big Sister belly laugh and squeal back at Henry who is roaring like a lion, trying to chase her. Seeing Mike's pride through the smile on his face when all the kids are piled up in his lap. All BIG things worth giving up my little bit of free time. All big things worth giving up a clean house or a full night of sleep. In the end, it was ok to lose my old self because quite frankly, I like the new me better. I'm genuinely happier and I know without a doubt that God has my right hand. He's so much bigger than any of my fears.
Isaiah 41:13 - For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”
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