Trade

This evening, Mike randomly sent me part of a Matt Chandler sermon. He said that it reminded him of our journey and how we got to where we are now.  Without getting into all the nitty gritty, nearly two years ago, we had to make permanent decisions that we couldn't take back.  No amount of money, science or prayer could turn it around.  There was second guessing at one point and even though my brain accepted that there was no changing it, my heart felt betrayed.  I let the devil convince me that I was a bad mom and that I shouldn't have more children. There was a reason that God wasn't faithful to me and that He didn't give me what I wanted.  How selfish I was. God redeemed me from all of that and I'm incredibly thankful for His provision in my life and in my family's life. 

 

The last six days have been a little challenging.  Not in a bad way, I assure you that, I for one, feel strengthened through all of this.  I've laughed more in the last week from all the craziness and I'm amazed at how God has worked on my heart. For all of my adult life, I've been uptight.  Not in a hateful kind of way, but I'm sure people have misread my heart for years because I've always been so keyed up.  I guess you could say I'm passionate but annoyingly intense and should probably relax.  (Maybe a long, peaceful vacation would help!) 

 

Anyway, Friday night, "Baby's" Big Sister was placed with us and in an instant, the way I thought my life was going to look was instantly demolished. Sounds scary and to be honest, it was!  For the first several years of my adult life, I didn't even know if I would be able to have children and with the signing of a mountain of papers, I found myself with THREE! Three children to take care of.  Y'all, seriously? I thought I was in a dream.  Not a nightmare like I would have once feared, but a dream.  We laughed, the big kids laughed and wrestled and Henry showed Big Sister every little thing in the house. He was so proud. He wants to teach her how to do everything.  Laundry all over the place. Toys scattered in every room.  Bottles, sippy cups, diapers (Oh em gee the diapers!!!!).  Squealing, happy children. A baby who stole my heart 7 weeks prior and her big sister who stole my heart the first time she reached out for me (during our first meeting).  Henry who couldn't be a better big brother to these girls and let me tell you, he grew up overnight.  He's so much more respectful and kind.  Gosh, I fell in love with him all over again, too.  Mike even told me "You know I must really love you to do all of this."  I wasn't sure how to take that, worried it was a threat (Ha ha!)  He told me on Sunday that he's never felt so calm in the midst of so much chaos in his life.  It's funny, I've never seen him so calm and content before.  It's amazing.  And inspiring.  God is so good like that. 

 

Here's the snippet of the sermon that Mike sent me:  

I'm not saying your trial is not awful. I'm a pastor. I will give you awful upon awful. But you haven't been betrayed. I would argue that it's not punitive. You can scream and cry and shake your fist at the heavens. I would argue that if you are in him, if you are a believer in Christ, there is the removing of something that might hurt you for the gift of something that will bring nothing but ever increasing joy. That's not a bad trade. It might be a painful one but not a bad one.

 

Isn't that good stuff?

Thoughts on Foster Care

As you may know by now, Mike and I re-opened our home for foster care at the end of August.  Within 24 hours, we had another placement and let me tell you, I for one am THRILLED to be back on the roller coaster ride.  Not only do we have the most precious little one in our home, we are so happy to be serving again.  The last 3 weeks have been a blur, but much like the proverbial roller coaster, we are enjoying the ride.

Mike and I, like all foster parents, are asked all sorts of questions and hear all kinds of stories (some of them so heart touching they give you chill bumps.)  Thankfully we are surrounded by AMAZING family and friends so we haven't encountered too much in the crazy arena, but I've heard more horror stories about what happened to second-cousin Betty's step-sister and her family when they fostered than I care to recount.  Sage advice, don't share those stories with foster or adoptive parents.  There is enough scary stuff going on with our cases that we don't need anything else keeping us up at night.

The question that we get the most is: Are you going to adopt?  Albeit a very personal question, yes, we would love to adopt, someday.  We don't know what someday looks like or who that child will be.  We have sincerely laid down every wish and desire at the feet of Jesus.  For those that don't know, Mike and I tried for an inordinate amount of time to complete our family the old-fashioned way so needless to say, we gave up on what our dreams looked like.  At the end of the day, God is in control and we aren't setting parameters on anything.  We're serving for Him and yes, selfishly, we hope that He blesses us through that with adoption or continuing to silence our selfish desires for what we think our family should look like.

Two questions that we can't answer: How long are you going to keep Baby? and What happened with their family? The simple answer to both, we don't know.  We will love whoever God has called us to serve and we don't control the timelines.  Cases are wrapped up with more advocates, lawyers and judges than the OJ trial.   Also, as far as why a child is placed with us, that's not something that needs to be discussed outside of the team that already knows all the ins and outs.  It's that child's story and for their privacy, we aren't going to share the nitty gritty.  We hope that you understand and respect that.

Also a question we've gotten more recently: Is Henry your natural child?  Yep, he's biologically ours so he's naturally our child. 


We are also often told: I could never foster a baby.  It would be too hard to give them back. I struggle with this one because it was something I wrestled with the entire time we were trying to complete our family.  I told God countless times that I could not and would not do it.  I fought Him and I thought I knew better.  But you know what?  God is SO MUCH BIGGER!  There's a song by Hillsong "Touch the Sky" with lyrics "I found my life when I laid it down."  One Sunday during the invitational, I walked up to the altar and prayed, told God to take it. Take all my insecurities, worry and doubt and use me.  Remove me, get me out of the way and work His plan through me.  To say I'm thankful for His plan, goodness that would be an understatement.  Lay it down.  You can do ANYTHING - foster care, mission work, teach a Sunday School class, preach, lead worship, you name it - through Him.   And you know what - it's hard.  The day our first placement left, I was a mess.  I was sick at my stomach for days after he left, worried that he was unhappy or that he missed us.  But you know what happened?  God reminded me that He has a plan for that little guy just like He does for me.  God is so good.

Mike and I are not selfless or special people.  Believe you me, we still have selfish thoughts and doubts.  It's hard cleaning up a Code Brown after your own kid gets sick, but doing it for a kid that you didn't raise isn't a cakewalk.  It's not fun having your child clobber you in the face in a fit of toddler rage, but it certainly raises doubts about your call to serve when it's a kid who you have welcomed into your home does it.

But the question I love the most: What can we do for you as you serve? My answer will always be the same - pray for the sweet child in our care.  They didn't choose the life that's going on around them but we pray that they will know the love of Jesus Christ.  The song lyrics that resonates with me every time things get scary or too much to process: "He's got the little bitty babies in His Hands...."

Roller Coaster

9 weeks ago tonight, we got a phone call for our first foster care placement.  We accepted.

The next 9 weeks were like a roller coaster.  The scariest roller coaster this thrill-seeking junkie has ever ridden.

We anxiously waited in line for more than a year. Waited for our turn to ride.

We were given our license and told to wait for the phone to ring. It was much like securing your seat belts on a roller coaster ride, waiting for it to leave the gate and take off.

Then, the ride leaves the gate.  You're excited. Ready to ride.  (Well, unless you're Mike who is terrified of roller coasters.)

You start up the steep hill.  It's scary.  There's so many unknowns ahead but still, you're excited to be on the ride.

Then, you go over that first hill.  Yep. You feel sick at your stomach. Ready to barf.  You're screaming or maybe you're laughing nervously, but you're scared to death.

You go up yet another hill and you start asking yourself "What was I thinking?!" and with conviction you say "I want off this ride!!"

But as the ride goes on, you finally relax and enjoy it.  You think to yourself, "I could do this again and again."

As the ride nears the end, you're bitter that it's almost over and you don't want to stand in line to do it all over again. You think "Let's go again now!"

You get off the ride, knees shaky, maybe even dizzy from the excitement.  You look back at the ride, your racing heart beaming with pride.  You have more confidence than you did when you stood in line the first time because you know that you can do it.  You survived the scariest ride of your life and you can't wait to do it all over again. 

Cardinal

I wanted to share a really cool moment that happened last Saturday morning.  It was emotional and I've yet to retell the story without crying a little.  

We were loaded up in the car, about to head to our niece's softball came when my Aunt Jennie called me.  She and Aunt Patty were cleaning out some of my Granny's things, donating clothes mostly.  They came across a couple of lapel pins that I picked out Granny for Christmas a few years back.  She wondered if I would want to have them.  Well of course, I would be honored to wear them.  (Yes, I'm crying now....) 

We didn't talk more than a minute or two, I for one was trying to be strong and I didn't want to make her cry.  She was doing something courageous and I didn't want to be a crybaby. I hung up the phone and we pulled out of the driveway, headed towards the game.  I was quiet for a few minutes but then I told Mike that I still can't believe she's not here, she's been gone 3 months but I can't wrap my brain around that.  We pulled up to an intersection and I looked out the window, trying to pull myself together and with Mike and Henry as my witnesses, there was a red cardinal, hopping around on the ground, not 5 feet from our car.  

I'm sure you're wondering, "It's a bird so what's your point?"  Well this is where the tears really kicked in for me.  The morning of her funeral processional (the first attempt, the one with the awful ice storm), I looked outside the window and saw a red cardinal in the snowy trees.  I commented to Mike about the bird but then text my mom as she loves bird watching.  I simply told her what I saw and that is was beautiful.  (Seriously, it was something out of a Kinkade painting. Gorgeous.  I don't like birds or icy weather but the two together, their contrast was stunning.)  She text me back, "That means something special. Google it." I did and this is what the search returned:  

 

Yep. All the tears. 

I know that as believers, we aren't supposed to look for signs, but mercy, I couldn't help but feel like God sent a little wink to me that day and again months later.   We got to the ball game, Mike asked me if I was ok and I told him that yes, I was going to be fine, just needed to get out an ugly cry.  I told him that God is good, He knew that I needed little bird.

The days are long, but they are great

I was surfing Pinterest tonight, resting my brain after another long (but good) day. We've found that "adding just one more" is way more work than we initially thought.  It's exhausting but our hearts are full and we are excited about what's ahead. The days though, they are going by super fast. But, I digress. I stumbled upon a blog post and although I don't like to read at night (it fires my brain up and then I can't sleep), I felt like I needed to and I'm glad I did.  You can read the post here: http://knoxville.citymomsblog.com/what-stinks-about-foster-care/

We are only finishing up our 5th night as a foster family, but I feel like this post speaks volumes for the reason "why" our family chose to become a foster family.  As we've quickly learned, there are so many blessings, even in the tears. Having a chubby faced little one smile back at me when I walk in the room makes all the uncertainty and fear worth it. One of God's creations and blessings, smiling back at me. God created this little guy and He's carrying him, just like He's carrying us.

For you see, it's not about us. Our family isn't special or awesome for choosing foster care. We are selfish and scared just like anyone in this situation would be. For us though, we know that we've been called to do this, we had other plans for our life, this wasn't ever our "life-long goal" but we know that He is carrying us. Always. Yes, foster care is scary and messy and even great, all wrapped into one. But most importantly, it's about serving Christ by loving one another.  

My thoughts on becoming a foster mom

Last year, on this very day (Thanks TimeHop app!), I posted a blog that our family had started the foster licensing process. 365 days have gone by.  I'm not sure where all of them went and although I'm disappointed it's taken this long to get through all of it, I know that everything is a part of His plan. We've had an AMAZING support system.  Family that has helped with Henry so we could get our training in.  Friends that have checked on us and who have been our cheerleaders. We've had prayer partners and those that have been there before us that have encouraged us and shared their happy experiences.  We have incredible friends and our caring pastor who literally answered PAGES of questions and wrote nice things about us so that we could share this experience.  To say we've been blessed is an understatement.  We are incredibly THANKFUL for all of that.

Over the past year, so many people have asked how things are going with the process. I know they are curious, encouraging or just polite, whatever reason we are thankful when people ask.  (We love sharing and secretly, with some people, I hope that it encourages them to do the same if they feel called.) I told Mike a couple of weeks ago that I feel like an expectant mother in the last weeks of pregnancy when everyone asks the sometimes dreaded question "When are you going to have that baby?"  People are excited, people love good news and I feel like people genuinely care.  For the mother in that scenario and in this one, we share that excitement but we are even more terrified of "having that baby." At least I know that I was TERRIFIED about the thought of going into labor and no matter how Henry was welcomed into the world, I knew my body and mind were in for a rough ride.  It's in the very first book of the Bible, labor is gonna HURT!

For me, the thought of being a foster Mom shares a lot of the same emotions.  I'm TERRIFIED of what lies ahead.  People mean well when they share stories of friends or relatives who have been there, but so many times the stories are heartbreaking and even if they have a happy ending, they had to endure a lot to get there.  And I'm not talking about what the foster family goes through, that's another post when I have actual real life experience, but I'm talking about what children actually go through before they are removed and the grief they have to process afterwards.  Scary, upsetting events that no one should ever go through.

Admittedly, I've been a wreck the past 10 days. We met with our Home Study contractor last week and again this week.  He and his wife fostered and adopted, worked with the agency for a number of years.  He was very candid about his experiences and I'm thankful for that, even if I sometimes feel paralyzed with fear.  I'm an empathetic person. My heart hurts when someone I know hurts.  I carry that burden and want nothing more than to just fix it, take their pain away. It's not that easy though, especially for a child that has been taken away from everything they know.  How am I going to be a good Mama to them?  That's a serious burden that we will have to carry and frankly, it scares the daylights out of me.


Today at lunch, Mike asked me how I was feeling knowing everything we know now.  I told him that I feel like I did both times I went skydiving.  It was a dream for so long and I went through the training and I was pumped.  I was thrilled to get my jump suit and helmet on, get my game face on. On the inside, I was freaking out though.  "What if something bad happened?"  "Yeah, but what if it's the best ride of your life?"  Two times I jumped out of "a perfectly good airplane" and you know what, both times I had the ride of my life.  It was scary and I screamed and I laughed and I nearly peed my pants when it came time to land.  I loved it and I'd do it again tomorrow, if someone goes with me.  It seemed like I was up there for a long time, but it probably wasn't more than 5 minutes. Just a blip in time.  So how am I feeling about becoming a foster mom?  Let's do this! Might be the ride of our lives.

A letter to Henry on his 5th birthday

How is that on this day, five years ago at 2:48pm on a Wednesday,  you were born?  Five years.  I can’t wrap my mind around that but at the same time, it feels like you’ve been here for much longer than that as I don’t remember what life was like before you arrived.

 7 pounds and 10 ounces of the cutest little baby I have ever held

You love to learn, you're a little sponge!  You know how to write your first and last name, you know all kinds of colors and shapes and you’ve learned maybe a dozen (or more?) Scripture verses.  You also know the Pledge of Allegiance, the Pledge to the Christian Flag and the Pledge to the Bible.  All 3 of great importance and you say them with pride. 

You are still a pretty good sleeper, but only if the light is on and if you have your truck blanket.  You love that ratty, old thing.

 Your last picture as a 4 year old

You are incredibly silly and you think toots are hilarious. If you get caught tooting, you will do it again just to see if I’ll laugh the second time around.  You’re obnoxious like that.  You already appreciate slapstick comedy and think it's hilarious to "hurt" Daddy and you love watching America's Funniest Videos on tv or on the iPad. 

Playing in the snow - March 2015

You love to tell stories, and although we love hearing them, sometimes Daddy and I wonder where it’s going and when it’s going to end.  Yep, you talk a lot.  I’ve been blamed for passing this trait (guilty as charged) but your Daddy has been known to carry on a conversation with just about anyone so you were doomed from the get go.  I will say though, even random strangers at the grocery store or restaurants have complimented you on how well you speak.

If you're not too busy with your Legos or running around like a maniac, you're quite the little eater.  You love spicy foods from Kung Pao chicken to Mexican food.   The latter works in your favor as Mommy works for a Mexican restaurant - you quickly eat all the refried beans, tortillas and chips & salsa that your little belly can hold.

You’re still completely enamored by fire trucks and all things rescue from the first responders, to their gear, to their cars.  If you grew up to be a firefighter, I don’t think it would surprise anyone in the least.  We’ve made countless trips to the local fire stations and you still enjoy being hoisted up in the air so you can look out the back window when they head out on calls. You also love watching videos on YouTube of firetrucks leaving the station, responding to calls.

You're starting your second baseball season and I hope you love it as much now as you did in the fall (pictured below).  You have glasses now so we are hoping that helps with your precision and makes standing out in the outfield a little more enjoyable for you.  Yes, piles of dirt are entertaining to you, we get that.

 

You’re kind and I hope you always stay that way.  Your new thing is to tell me “Mommy, you look beautiful.”  I think your Daddy taught you that and I’m thankful for that sweetness.  Not just because you make me feel good when I’m cleaning house, no makeup, still in my pj’s at 2pm on a Saturday, but I know that will make a lucky lady feel very special someday.  Your sincerity is sweet and I hope you keep that. 

Over the past few months, you will randomly start conversations that begin with "When we have a brother or a sister or a little baby, I will...." Usually it's about how you will share your things or teach them new things.  More recently, you've asked if you could hold a new baby and play with him.  (I think that's an awesome idea!)

 

Daddy and I bought you a new Cars bike for your birthday and you've spent the last two nights driving it around the living room and kitchen.  After a near collision with Kiki and Lucy, you learned the importance of yielding to all pedestrians. Now you proudly proclaim "Look, I didn't run over the doggies!"  You were so proud to drive it to the end of the block, with your Daddy running even more proud alongside of you.  I love the bond the two of you have.

You love family dinner nights when your cousins come over.  The 4 of you have become the best little playmates and I know it makes your "girl cousin's" Mommy happy too.  You hold your own quite well amongst the girls, you keep them in line, well unless Livie has a snowball. :) 

You love to do things all by yourself but “Katy bar the door” if you don’t get it right the first time.  Your level of patience is just about non-existent, but Daddy and I are getting better at parenting you through that.  I think it’s because you’re a high-achiever at heart, but your brain and body aren’t quite there yet.  One of these days though, I know you will take the world by the reigns and you will accomplish many great things.  You just have to conquer building Legos first. 

 

The other night, Daddy and I were discussing that another year is about to come to a close.  We feel like we’ve survived a lot; from colic and acid reflux to the terrible twos (that started at 15 months) to registering you for kindergarten. (Do we have to?) Just when we think we have you figured out, you spice things up and keep life interesting. I guess you could say that you're a mix of salty and sweet.  You're all boy and  you are also caring and compassionate. I love that about you.

Happy 5th Birthday to our little buddy!  Mommy and Daddy love you to Heaven and back!

Granny

I started writing this a couple of days before my Granny passed away.  I felt that it would help me grieve to put my thoughts into writing and although I didn't plan on ever sharing what I'd written, I've shared it with my family and I'd like to post it here.  Granny was very special to me, to all of us, and I want to keep her memory alive.  The past couple of weeks have been nightmare as we watched her struggle and as we said goodbye.  I know she's been made whole and that she's with Jesus, but my goodness how we miss her.  I thank each and every one of you who have reached out with your words of kindness, thoughts and prayers.  We've been overwhelmed by your love.

Granny loved doing things for others, she had a true servant's heart. She loved her family fiercely.  She dedicated over 65 years to one man, Thomas or you may know him as Daddy or Granddaddy.  I never heard her talk out of judgment about anyone, even though we probably gave her plenty to talk about.  She loved unconditionally but wasn't afraid to speak up if you got out of line.  (Isn't that right, Granddaddy?) She just wanted the very best for all of us and she was always there to kiss the wounds and help heal your broken heart. 

Granny loved to crochet. If I had to guess, she made at least 100 afghans in her lifetime, geesh, maybe even double that as all of her kids, grandkids and her great grandkids have a Granny-made blanket.  She's made hats, socks, scarves - perfect reminders of her warmth and love for the blessed recipient. In recent years, she learned how to use a knitting loom that she used to make hats for kids in West, Texas, the same kids whose families lost everything in a plant explosion. Even at the ripe age of 90, she was serving others the best way she knew how.

Granny was crafty and creative.  I remember trips to Big Spring during the summer with my sister Nikki or cousin Jill when Granny taught us new crafts.  I never knew yarn and plastic canvas could make so much.  I can't tell you how many things she made with just those two items and a pair of scissors. Seriously everything from coasters to bookmarks to tissue box covers. They were cute - she made ones that looked like houses with tissue coming out of the chimney.

Granny was always cooking something.  She wasn't afraid to try new recipes or experiment with old favorites. Mincemeat pie or sweet potato casserole - we all know pies shouldn't have "meat" in them and there's nothing "sweet" about sweet potatoes. But I ate whatever she cooked just to make her smile. She had that effect on me and I'm sure everyone who had the pleasure of sitting at her table would agree. She could cook for an army, too. When Henry was born, she made a pot of stew and cornbread for when they came over to see the baby. I think she was so used to cooking for a large family, that just the two of us had enough stew we didn't cook for days.  

Granny loved to tell us stories from the past and personally, they were enjoyable, felt like a glimpse into the good ol' days.  Over the past several years, if she wasn't reminiscing, that's when I worried most about her. In the few weeks leading up to Christmas 2012, she was in a rehab center after a prolonged illness.  The local family members tried to stagger our visits to where she never went more than a couple of days between visitors.  One afternoon after work, I picked up a little plant for her room and went for a visit. When I got there, she was sitting in a wheelchair, fiddling with a mess of yarn that had knotted up on her. I don't know if it was her illness or the yucky medication she was on, but she was struggling to communicate with me, all of her sentences were jumbled, bit and pieces of different stories.  Heartbreaking.  She fiddled with the yarn while we talked.  I had grabbed one end of knot and we were making progress but my Ament-attention span kicked in and I asked if she wanted me to cut it to make it easier to untangle. She smiled and coyly said "You can't give up. You gotta keep working at it." I silently prayed that she would keep fighting, keep working at it. None of us were ready to let go of her and I felt reassured by the Holy Spirit right then and there that she wasn't ready to let go either.  After lots of pulling, untangling and giggling, the knot came loose. She was right.  We had to keep trying.  I've replayed that afternoon in my mind a dozen times or more over the last two years.  "You gotta keep working at it."

I saw Granny on Sunday afternoon and before I left her house, she hugged me and told me she loved me.  I always knew she loved me, she always made me feel special and I loved her for that.  If Granny taught me anything, the most important was to always love your family.  I never heard her say a nasty word about any of her family. Only the positive, nice stuff. We don't get to choose our family, God has picked them out ahead of us. Sure they will make you mad or drive you crazy (we are Aments, you know) but try putting your feelings and differences aside and truly love each other, "You gotta keep working at it." 

Too busy

This morning I woke up before my alarm, in a panic of all the things on my to-do list. Things that are time sensitive, things I could have done last night or earlier in the week. Things I should have done instead of catching up on a tv series that has already run its course. I could have been in my craft room knocking out a project that's due this week instead of playing Trivia Crack. So, you see where I'm going. Time management isn't a huge strength of mine, I get lazy because I'm overwhelmed or because I'm not getting my way (life is funny like that....), which eventually turns into self-induced, major stress.  No excuses from me, I know these things about my character and even though I don't like these qualities about myself, I've never really been able to break the cycle.

Back to this morning. I cut my workout short and snuck into the craft room to tackle a project.  I saw my Jesus Calling book on the shelf and figured "Let's see where I left off." (See how easily I'm distracted?) Granted, after reading the right hand page, I feel that I was in the right place at the right time.  God has a funny way of getting to you. 

Do I believe He has more for me than stress and anxiety over a task list? Absolutely.  Do I believe He can see me through my stresses (being a great mom, wife, employee, friend, foster paperwork....) if I just focus my attention on Him? You bet.

As my mother has told me for years, "Let go and let God."