Bittersweet goodbye

Two years ago today, we packed up all of your things and we said our goodbyes.  We spent 54 weeks loving you, caring for you, giving you stability and a family while your family got the help that they needed to be successful for you.  A year prior, you were brought to us late one Friday night almost unexpectedly, but we know God had a plan all along.  I was in Lowe’s shopping for plants while Daddy Mike was at home watching a Stars playoff game.  My phone rang, it was the caseworker that we had for the girls who left just 3 weeks earlier.  My heart sank when she told me that there was a little baby girl, you, who was in a hotel room with the investigator.  You needed a soft place to land and she felt like we would be perfect for you and you for us.  I called Daddy Mike who jokingly asked if you could come after the game was over.  Always a jokester but he was excited for you to come, just as I was.  Once I saw your picture, I was in love.  Your big brown eyes were wide and alert, you had no idea who you were with, but you instinctively knew that you were safe. 

That night, you arrived in our home asleep, passed from the CPS worker to me without any waking.  This part is hard to say, but you smelled really musty and your hair was dirty.  You were wearing a little white onesie and no pants because that was all that the worker had on hand for you.  Sweet angel, I just wanted to bathe you and put you in the right clothes, but you clung to my chest as I filled out and signed a mountain of paperwork.  Finally, the work was done and the overly talkative worker left for the night.  You woke up screaming and mad when I went to change your diaper, but you quickly calmed down and trusted me.  I rocked you to sleep before placing you in the crib and you surprisingly went straight to sleep and stayed down for several hours.  Not until later would we really know what you’d been through the day before.  Bless your little heart.

You quickly adjusted to our family while we learned about you and yours.  Most weeks you went to visit your family in some form or fashion, always returning to our home with a glazed stare, much too young to understand or process any of it but also deeply affected.  Each week, I cried for you. I was so angry that this innocent beauty was going through something so ugly and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it.  Except we did everything we could to try to fix it.  We provided for your basic needs of course and every little extra we could indulge on you, too.  You went to church with us on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings.  You went to every family event we had. You went to the park, to Henry’s baseball games, to parties, to the pool.  You went to the doctor, some days it felt like all the time to your Mama Lacey. You were finally caught up with immunizations just in time for another routine run of them.  You were gaining weight, your hair was finally growing.  You learned to walk in our living room.  We heard many of your first words.  You were the sunshine in our world and we bathed in your light.  Sweet girl, you were everything to us and we felt like we were everything you needed.

Time carried on between each court hearing and weekly visitation.  Before we knew it, you’d been with us a year.  Things weren’t going as originally planned and someone made a big mistake of telling us that we were “this” close to getting to adopt you.  Our hearts were overjoyed but it was incredibly bittersweet because we knew that your family would lose you.  Well, as God’s plan was unfolded, the judge overturned that direction and you would be returning home to your family.  Our hearts were shattered but we tried to remember His plan for you isn’t what we would always like or understand.  Mama Lacey had a lot of sleepless nights leading up to this day two years ago.  I wanted so badly for your family to succeed and no matter where my insecurities lie or how much we loved you, we were going to have to say goodbye and turn our prayers into those of protection and provision. 

It’s been two years and you’re doing fantastic with your family.  There was a big bump in the road early on, but again, God provided for you.  Our love for you carries on and there isn’t a day that goes by without thinking of you.  Your pictures hang on our walls and we talk of you often.   Your Easter dress still hangs in our laundry room, I just can’t bring myself to put it away. I know that you aren’t with us anymore and that it’s ok, but mercy baby, I sure miss your cackling laughter, your precious hugs and the way you would reach for my hand to keep you safe.   We know that you are safe, loved and well taken care of now and we find peace in that.  You will always hold a precious spot in our hearts, and you will always have a place to return to if ever needed.  

We love you, always and forever.

Daddy Mike and Mama Lacey

Our road to foster care

You can read the first post in my series on foster care awareness here.

So a question we've been asked plenty of times, what made you guys decide to be a foster family?  Well aside from the seeds being planted along the way and feeling like God was calling us to do so, we felt like we had the resources to be a foster family. In no particular order, Henry really wanted siblings, we had the financial means to support another child, our family was supportive, we had great friends and our marriage was strong.  We felt like we had a "picture perfect" life that could sustain adding to our family, either temporarily or long term.  And by picture perfect, I certainly don't mean that we thought that we were perfect.  That's far from the truth, we have our challenges and downfalls just like everyone else, but we felt that with enough faith, prayer and hard work, we could be a safe place for a child in need.  Plus, we knew we had 30+ hours of training ahead of us and surely that would be enough to at least get us started.  Later on in the month, I'll get into how inadequate we quickly felt after our first placement.  But for now, we will start pouring the foundation for that walk.

For many years leading up to this decision, my body was riddled with endometriosis.  Chances are you know a woman, if not several of them, that have this sometimes debilitating disease.  I started showing symptoms in my late teens, had one ovary removed at the ripe age of 21 and went on to have a total of 7 laparoscopic surgeries before waving the flag of surrender for a total hysterectomy at the age of 31.  That decision was a long time coming and once Mike and I discussed it, we both felt like that decision was the only one that made sense if having a baby the good old fashioned way wasn't in the cards for us.  My doctor who specializes in endometriosis, whose work has been published and has students and patients from as far as Europe and beyond, agreed that my body just wasn't ever going to make a come back from the damage that had been done.  After my spay, as we jokingly call it, he told me that while not likely at all, had I gotten pregnant, it would have most likely been catastrophic for me and/or the baby as my insides were not competent or capable to sustain life.  That was all I needed to hear to know that the right decision had been made.  Again, God was sowing those seeds, removing doubt and making sure we didn't live in regret of that final decision.   It's been more than 5 years and I don't question if the right decision was made.  I know it was.

In the spring of 2014, we started our foster care licensing after finding an agency that best suited our preferences. (Which reminds me, I definitely will write about making the right decision for an agency because as I've seen through our experiences and through my CASA work, there's a huge variety of directions to go.) Mike and I went to 1 or 2 trainings a month and we started learning a lot from others in the class that were already foster parents (these FPs were getting in their continued education hours that are required each year).  After some classes, we would feel energized and excited about the future but other times, I for one would leave feeling overwhelmed and terrified about all the what ifs.  Mike was really encouraging to me especially, reminding me of all we had already come through and that nothing in life worth having is easy.  Someone along the way told us, "If foster care were easy, then everyone would do it."  We decided that it was ok for us to take the road less traveled because we were comforted that God would guide us through it so we could be what these children needed.

I'll write more tomorrow about licensing and what all that entails.  Thanks for reading so far.

Foster Care Awareness Month

National Foster Care Month 2019 starts today and runs through May 31st.  I've challenged myself to blog each day in the month of May to raise awareness for foster care.  Not every day will be an experience, some days may just be a quote or a statistic, a chance to really raise awareness about foster care and children in care in our communities.  I won't get into deeply personal details but I do feel that sharing part of our story as foster parents and after, may help educate and maybe even help bridge the gap for another person or family to feel ready to explore more about becoming foster parents.


To start off, our journey to foster care was laid out way ahead of us, seeds of faith being planted along the way.  My cousin and his wife were foster parents and we met a few of their kids at different family events over the course of a couple of years.  I thought it was noble that they would take children into their home, but I also feared all the same unknowns most people do.  There's a long list of them, but I always wondered if I would be able to love and let's be honest, tolerate and accept someone else's child in my home.  I mean, at that time, we either hadn't had Henry yet or he was an infant, how would my heart love and care for children that weren't mine and weren't my relatives, but total strangers?  That may sound callous, but if you're honest with yourself, at some point in life, you've been around a kid who was just being a kid and thought "glad he's not going home with me."   I love kids, but other people's kids?  They must be special for taking all that on.

I would later learn that special has a different meaning but I will save that for a future post. 

In May 2013, we went to Henry's school's summer picnic in an attempt to meet other families with kids Henry's age.  While we were eating dinner, a precious lady from the school came over to chat with us.  We talked shortly before she made a comment about her children, we learned that she has seven kids, two of whom were adopted. We related to my cousin's adoption of 3 boys that had just taken place a month earlier.  Mike and I both were intrigued, mentioning that our church had recently had an info session on foster care and adoption, we even told her that we thought it was really cool how much adoption has made a footing in our society, no longer as taboo or hush-hush as it once was. In retrospect, God was absolutely planting and sowing those seeds in our minds and in our hearts. 

More to come.

Grappling Dummy

Tonight as Henry and Ruby were rough housing and working hard to increase our health insurance premiums, I heard him say something to her that was too poignant not to share. 

A little extra detail - 

I’ve been working on something for a while now, let’s just call it a project. I’ve poured so much into this work that sometimes it feels like it would be much easier to just stopping running full throttle, to take a break or to just run away from all of it. But my 9 year old who is full of wisdom amongst shenanigans, said this to his sister who kept running towards the grappling dummy she was trying to kick, “if you stop running right before you can kick it or punch it, all the running is for nothing.” Obviously he’s talking about the literal dummy in front of her but how true his words are for the rest of us. 

I know this may be silly to some of you, but I hope that it encourages at least one reader. Remember that you can run your heart out, full of passion to knock out the enemy, but if you stop just before executing, all the running was useless and in vain. 

A letter to Henry on his 9th birthday

Last year in the single digits, our little buddy is NINE! 

You are the eternal optimist with big dreams and great ideas.  Your creativity and the way you look at things inspires even your crafty Mama. You’re still a Lego geek and you mix between the “constructions” (what you call instructions) and whatever you can create freestyle.  You’re also a big fan of Hot Wheels and have quite the collection thanks to your Uncle Hugh. You wanted a blue Lamborghini for your birthday but Mama is still on a mission to find one.

You have a new found love of cheesy jokes. The best is when you tell jokes and crack up as you try to deliver the punchline. You’re also mastering funny facial expressions, including raising your eyebrows which always look hilarious over your glasses. Your comedic timing is impressive and your sense of humor borders obnoxious occasionally and you love to prank or sneak up on people. 

You love for others to feel included, especially those younger than you. At school, your teacher put on your most recent report card that you love to see others succeed. We don’t see a lot of jealousy in you when others are in the lime light, but you rarely hesitate to join right in the fun. You have a spirit of harmony, you don’t like to see anyone unhappy or left out. Your kindness and sense of inclusion is inspiring. 

You have a servant heart, especially at school and at church. At school, you proudly work on the Safety Patrol team and you take your job seriously. At church, you like helping Mama in the preschool area, doing any random job asked of you from cleaning toys to organizing supplies. You like tagging along when she’s on childcare duty, too and you actively play and get involved with the other kids. 

You’re due for an official well visit this next week, but at your dental cleaning last week, you weighed a sturdy 55.4 pounds. You're also just a hair over 4 feet tall. You’re scrappy, buddy. 

Your signature life uniform includes basketball shorts and a T-shirt and a pair of slip on sandals. Tennis shoes and socks are reserved for school and church, but you’d rather be barefoot than anything else. Although you prefer to be casual, you love getting dressed up in your “suit.” You take pride in looking nice but again, you’d rather be in basketball shorts and “comfy” as you call it. 

Daddy is still your BFF and you’re looking forward to another racing season going to the track together with Granddad and Uncle Steve.  You enjoy the dirt track and getting to hang with the guys.  You always have stories from the track and have enjoyed getting to meet lots of drivers too. 

Mama and Henry dates at Dairy Queen are a fun tradition we enjoy, along with trips to 7-Eleven after taekwondo for a Slurpee. We also have a mutual love for sweets and can kill a box of cookies like nobody’s business. Because it’s not their business or cookies! ;)

You love a good donut and would probably make it it’s own food group. 

You’re also an amazing big brother to RJ. She loves you and you’d do anything for her if she just asks nicely. You don’t like her bossy ways but you’re usually diplomatic in asking her to ask you nicely. She knows she has you wrapped around her finger. Without prompting, we often hear you coaching her to make good decisions, how to do something properly or explaining what’s to come.  You love helping sing her goodnight songs with Daddy, checking her closet for monsters and tucking her in. You’re also great at winding her up every chance you get too. Ha! 

Your eighth year was a great one and we look forward to seeing what’s ahead of you. Thank you for being the very best son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin and friend to all of those that are important in your life. You’re loyal, smart, witty and kind. We love you to Heaven and back! 

A letter to Ruby on her 3rd birthday

How can it be - Ruby you are THREE! This was a big year for you, with lots of growth and new adventures.  You took most of it in stride, ready to take on the world each day.  Well, when you were ready to get out of your pajamas anyway. You're usually up between dawn and 8am, running full throttle until a quick nap is necessary and back up and taking on the world until 8 or 8:30pm, or whenever you're done fighting to stay awake.  We joke that you only have an on/off switch, you run full steam ahead most days.  You're still our resident Bulldozer, Hell on Wheels and the tiny tyrant that keeps this house running on empty.   You definitely add a fun energy to our family and we've enjoyed seeing your true personality blossom, even if we have to guide you a bit along the way.

You are fiercely independent and want to do everything yourself.  Even if it takes twice as long and, we let you work it out unless you ask for help.   You can (almost) dress yourself and you've mastered socks and shoes without supervision.  You also like climbing up into your seat at the table and buckling yourself in.  The car seat belts are too tricky for you, but Mama isn't going to let you do those by yourself as you are much too precious for any mistakes there. 

You love your "Bubba" and look for him each morning.  You go to him for a playmate, but even when you're looking for mischief. The two of you are like cats and dogs sometimes, y'all can play and have fun but y'all are also known to throw off the gloves and let each other have it.  He's not fooled by your size, you can definitely hold your own against him or anyone else. The two of you adore each other and I hope you always know that he would do anything for you.  Occasionally, he will bring up stories from when you were younger, how cute you were.  He's so proud of you and I'm thankful y'all have each other.

You've perfected the silliest faces and love to make people laugh, especially when you're in trouble.  You do a funny eye roll thing where you look away and grin devilishly.  At family dinner, you're often the entertainer, you love to be front and center for the laughter and you have enough family to egg you on. 

You have a hot temper just like every other toddler on the block.  You are vocal when you don't get your way or when you feel that life just ain't fair.  You typically will slap at whatever is closest by but have (mostly) learned that slapping another person is only a quick way to end up in solitary confinement.  That punishment is probably your most hated and typically a good deterrent to stop acting a fool.  You do meltdown when you're told "no" and can't stand to feel like you're missing out. 

 You're definitely our FOMO kid, you want to live your best life and eat your cake, too.   

And even though your Daddy has a major disdain for this word, RJ, you. are. sassy.  Your spunk gets you into trouble but can also bail you out of it when we can't keep from laughing.  You're rotten to the core but I guess that's what keeps life fun. 

 The only kid I know that truly loves to brush their teeth.  Well, you let Mama brush without complaining anyway.    

 Someone snapped a pic of you walking out to the car after the Easter service last year. Absolutely stunning.  And if I had a dollar for every time a stranger commented on how pretty you are or how gorgeous your brows are, I could hire a decently sized bodyguard to protect you from the boys that are gonna be at our front porch asking to take you out for the evening in 15 years. 

You started preschool over the summer and you've really enjoyed it.  You were home with Mama for a good chunk of your life, but by 2 and a half, we knew it was time for you to have more structure in your day and let our little social butterfly FLY!  Admittedly, I wasn't sure how you'd do but you've done great right from the start.  All of the teachers always compliment how sweet you are (?!) and you are proud to go to 'cool.  You're learning letters, counting, Bible stories, songs and getting to craft, snack and play outside with friends.  Yesterday when I dropped you off, your class was in the middle of doing the three pledges (Pledge of Allegiance, Texas, Christian) and you started in with a few of the words you've learned since starting the new class just last week. 

 

Christmas this year was SO MUCH FUN!  You were really into all of the activities and excited about gifts.  You also learned about the birth of Jesus in the manger and how to tell Him Happy Birthday! 

 

After bath time, you enjoy getting your hair conditioned and blow-dried.  You're a diva who is quick to ask if I'm done so you can go show Daddy "pretty hair."

 

 For weeks, every time I would get the phone out to snap a picture, this was the "cheese" face you always gave.  So funny! 

You and I have the most fun when we go shopping or just do family stuff.  I cannot wait for our adventures together as you continue to grow.  I wanted a daughter of my own for so long, God definitely gave me the best one. 

We've started talking to you more about your birth family and you can repeat their names when we point to pictures.  You also met your paternal grandmother, her husband and your cousin last summer.  They just loved you and you had lots of fun playing with them.  Mama and Daddy are so thankful to have the chance to get to know them and we look forward to continue building a relationship with them.   

You have a 3 year old well visit scheduled for next week, so I'm not 100% sure of your stats other than you've gotten taller and skinnier since your 2nd birthday. Ha! 

You LOVE: 

• your baby dolls
• washing your hands - we have to supervise you or you will overuse the soap and flood the bathroom sink
• Jesus Loves Me 
• This Little Light of Mine
• hair bows
• driving fast over speed bumps - you laugh hysterically and then squeal DO IT 'GEN!
• Baby Shark, including the hand motions
• dancing
• coloring
• crazy voices and silly faces
• play-doh
• candy - your sweet tooth is worse than Henry's!
• shoes
• being read to 
• giving Dutch hugs 
• trampolines
• swimming
• jumping on the bed
• riding your plasma car in the house and down the sidewalk
• rough housing with your brother and Daddy

Other random things:

• You love bath time, especially when you have your bath crayons or bubbles.
• You're adventurous, love to explore and see new things.
• You DO NOT like the vacuum cleaner if it heads in your direction. 
• You're usually the first to wave at strangers but get "shy" at church when people talk to you, especially if you know you're about to head to your class/sans your parents and brother. 
• You're left handed, just like your Nana and Aunt Nikki.
• You can throw a ball impressively well, especially for your age.

Daddy and I love you so very much and we just can't put into words what you mean to our life, the value you add to our family or the love we have for you.  You're a beautiful child, perfectly made by God and we cherish you.  We pray that this next year is full of continued growth, great health, lots of learning and of course tons of fun and laughter.  May God bless your life abundantly.  We love you, our precious daughter, our Ruby Joy Holland.

The Knot

Today I had a mess on my hands, like a full blown mess, a GIANT knot.  A couple of weeks ago, I borrowed some aprons from my friend Katie for a party and I told her that as a thank you, I would wash them.  Doesn't sound like a big deal but I loathe laundry so this really was a sacrifice.  Admittedly, they sat in my car for over a week and today and I knew that it was time to wash them.  Like a rookie, I threw all 18 aprons in the washing machine together and much to my surprise, and annoyance, every single tie was tangled up together to form not only a giant, tight knot, but a wet, giant, tight knot.  Ugh! 

My apron heap straight out of the washing machine looked a little bit like Darth Vader.  

That face though....

Quickly into my frustration, I began thinking about a time when my Granny and I were untying a giant yarn knot. To give you a backstory, the following is an excerpt from a passage I read at my Granny's funeral in 2015.

Granny loved to tell us stories from the past and personally, they were enjoyable, felt like a glimpse into the good ol' days.  Over the past several years, if she wasn't reminiscing, that's when I worried most about her. In the few weeks leading up to Christmas 2012, she was in a rehab center after a prolonged illness.  The local family members tried to stagger our visits to where she never went more than a couple of days between visitors.  One afternoon after work, I picked up a little plant for her room and went for a visit. When I got there, she was sitting in a wheelchair, fiddling with a mess of yarn that had knotted up on her. I don't know if it was her illness or the yucky medication she was on, but she was struggling to communicate with me, all of her sentences were jumbled, bit and pieces of different stories.  Heartbreaking.  She fiddled with the yarn while we talked.  I had grabbed one end of knot and we were making progress but my Ament-attention span kicked in and I asked if she wanted me to cut it to make it easier to untangle. She smiled and coyly said "You can't give up. You gotta keep working at it." I silently prayed that she would keep fighting, keep working at it. None of us were ready to let go of her and I felt reassured by the Holy Spirit right then and there that she wasn't ready to let go either.  After lots of pulling, untangling and giggling, the knot came loose. She was right.  We had to keep trying.  I've replayed that afternoon in my mind a dozen times or more over the last two years.  "You gotta keep working at it."

Even if she never realized, her words were incredibly profound.  Not only in that moment but in every challenging, knotted up moment. Each of has a proverbial knot that we need to untangle. Some people have a little tiny knot, the kind a toddler does with their shoelaces in the backseat of the car.  Other knots are giant, time consuming and a soaking wet mess that no one wants to fix.  You can't just cut your losses and start over.  You can't give up. You gotta keep working at it.

Maybe you're thinking about your knot or multiple knots for those who are doing it up big.  I have a small knot I need to fix, it won't take long to untie, but I'm afraid of picking at it and making it worse.  Sometimes the smaller knots are the most intimidating.  My bigger knot is much like my heap of wet aprons.  The knot is metaphorically speaking about a challenge in my life, my persistent need to be doing and inability to say no, those close to me know about my knot and have seen the frustration while I've tried doing it by myself, not wanting to ask for help. But I think about my Granny sitting alone that day.  There's no telling how long she fought with that yarn.  Her body was tired and her brain was foggy from heaven knows what she was going through.  While I didn't rush in and save the day, I was there to help with some of the pulling and moving that eventually got it out. Isn't it wonderful having help with your knot?  Everything is wound tightly, yet I remain hopeful that one good pull in the right direction will set it all free.  Life's not that easy though and it's gonna take a lot of work on my part to untangle that knot. One thing I know for sure, I know God will guide me to get it untied but hopefully not completely unraveled.😉