Motherhood

Growing up, I always assumed I would someday be a mom.  I had a great mom growing up, still do, and I assumed motherhood was the natural progression of life, it would someday happen.  My sister had a baby when I was 21 and I quickly realized that while babies, especially my niece were super adorable, I was terribly nervous around them.  She was so tiny, she cried every time I held her and I nearly threw up the first time and well, every time I changed her diaper.  She was scary.  And she was a little gross, too.  I loved her, she was precious, but she scared me.  I was newly married but still in college and knew I was nowhere near having babies.  I thought it would be years down the road, quite frankly, if ever.  With my medical issues, at the ripe age of 22, my doctor told me my insides were such a mess and that I would probably struggle to have children and she warned me not to wait too long.  In my early 20s, I certainly didn't get wrapped up in that. I was in no place to have a baby and I did my very best to prevent having a baby.  Funny how we make plans....

Eleven years ago today, I celebrated my first Mother's Day.  I was 9 weeks pregnant and terrified of the responsibility to care for another human being. That day, the day reserved for the most special ladies in our life, was a turning point. I felt as if God had blessed me and my family with a child and it was time to be excited about the new life that was growing. The life that I was growing.  Unfortunately, just 5 days later, on Friday the 13th, I began to miscarry.  I was devastated. I was angry. I was confused. I was lost. I felt guilty. I felt guilty because a week before I was trying to force myself to be happy about this baby.  I felt like God was punishing me for not being happy about this new life.  That was all from Satan, those feelings were not from God.  

Fast forward a handful of years to when I thought I was finally ready to be a mom.  I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I felt like Mike and I were ready.  I needed to be a mom.  My heart ached for a baby, my baby, for so long.  I will never forget calling Mike on the phone to share the news that we were finally! finally! pregnant with a baby.  I'm sitting here all teary-eyed thinking about it, what a happy day.   While I was cautiously optimistic, I tried so hard not to live in fear.  I wasn't going to let fear ruin my happiness.  Mike and I have joked about this, albeit crass, God gave you what you want now shut up and be happy about it.

My journey to motherhood was rough, but mercy, the actual motherhood was way more tough.  Right out of the gate, I had postpartum depression.  Ironic seeing that not only did I write my thesis about PPD, I wanted this child for YEARS.  I prayed for this child day after day. Proof that I just can't be pleased.  In all seriousness, it was a real struggle and I just couldn't snap out of it.  So thankful for my husband, our moms and my sister for helping me through that dark time in my life.  I tell you all of this because although I wanted to be a mother for a few years, I haven't always been happy to be a mom. I'm not a perfect mom by any stretch of the imagination and on some days, I might be nothing more than an okay mom.

I think the majority of moms would agree that some days we want to just mail it in and have a lazy day.  We want a day without worry, arguing, or the physical and emotional demands it takes to get through even the most mundane of days. Motherhood is a tough gig.  One that was much harder than I thought it would be.  Each stage you survive, you have the false sense of hope that "Hey, I've got this mom thing down," and then your precious spawn humbles you in a big way.  God is funny about that, too.  He humbles us and breaks down the old us and builds us up in to something better.  I had my thoughts and dreams on how it would be but God showed me a better reality.    Think about how much you love your child(ren).  God loves you infinitely more than that.  Pretty cool, huh?

So, admittedly through motherhood, God has changed me. Motherhood now is much different than what I thought it would look like.  I'm still taken aback when I see Ninja Turtle underwear on the bathroom floor or when I have to repeatedly remind this boy version clone of mine that we don't talk about THAT body part or THAT bodily function in front of company.  I'm still shocked at how much a child can eat without throwing up or on the contrary when the same kid won't eat anything for an entire day but still has the fuel to be a loud, dirty, noisy boy all day.  The smell of sweat or an upset tummy. The burping. The tooting.  The grunting and wrestling. The crying over absolutely nothing but it's everything to him because he was up too late the night before and ran like a maniac all day.  Motherhood now has lots of laundry. Lots of picking up. Lots of laughter. Lots of tears. Lots of love. Lots of praying. Lots of apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Lots of grace. And patience. Mercy, the patience! 

Kids are still scary and they are most certainly still gross.  Motherhood is absolutely scary and most definitely gross.  I'm thankful that God picked me to raise this little munchkin, boy stuff and all.  I'm thankful He trusted me to be a Mama Lacey to whoever comes through this door.  I'm thankful for my own mom who has guided me and supported me.  She hurts when I hurt, which affirms that I might not be as crazy to react how I do when Henry hurts.  Motherhood has been an interesting journey and I'm thankful to live it and I'm even more thankful God has molded me into the mom I was created to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

¹³ For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.