Bittersweet goodbye

Two years ago today, we packed up all of your things and we said our goodbyes.  We spent 54 weeks loving you, caring for you, giving you stability and a family while your family got the help that they needed to be successful for you.  A year prior, you were brought to us late one Friday night almost unexpectedly, but we know God had a plan all along.  I was in Lowe’s shopping for plants while Daddy Mike was at home watching a Stars playoff game.  My phone rang, it was the caseworker that we had for the girls who left just 3 weeks earlier.  My heart sank when she told me that there was a little baby girl, you, who was in a hotel room with the investigator.  You needed a soft place to land and she felt like we would be perfect for you and you for us.  I called Daddy Mike who jokingly asked if you could come after the game was over.  Always a jokester but he was excited for you to come, just as I was.  Once I saw your picture, I was in love.  Your big brown eyes were wide and alert, you had no idea who you were with, but you instinctively knew that you were safe. 

That night, you arrived in our home asleep, passed from the CPS worker to me without any waking.  This part is hard to say, but you smelled really musty and your hair was dirty.  You were wearing a little white onesie and no pants because that was all that the worker had on hand for you.  Sweet angel, I just wanted to bathe you and put you in the right clothes, but you clung to my chest as I filled out and signed a mountain of paperwork.  Finally, the work was done and the overly talkative worker left for the night.  You woke up screaming and mad when I went to change your diaper, but you quickly calmed down and trusted me.  I rocked you to sleep before placing you in the crib and you surprisingly went straight to sleep and stayed down for several hours.  Not until later would we really know what you’d been through the day before.  Bless your little heart.

You quickly adjusted to our family while we learned about you and yours.  Most weeks you went to visit your family in some form or fashion, always returning to our home with a glazed stare, much too young to understand or process any of it but also deeply affected.  Each week, I cried for you. I was so angry that this innocent beauty was going through something so ugly and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it.  Except we did everything we could to try to fix it.  We provided for your basic needs of course and every little extra we could indulge on you, too.  You went to church with us on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings.  You went to every family event we had. You went to the park, to Henry’s baseball games, to parties, to the pool.  You went to the doctor, some days it felt like all the time to your Mama Lacey. You were finally caught up with immunizations just in time for another routine run of them.  You were gaining weight, your hair was finally growing.  You learned to walk in our living room.  We heard many of your first words.  You were the sunshine in our world and we bathed in your light.  Sweet girl, you were everything to us and we felt like we were everything you needed.

Time carried on between each court hearing and weekly visitation.  Before we knew it, you’d been with us a year.  Things weren’t going as originally planned and someone made a big mistake of telling us that we were “this” close to getting to adopt you.  Our hearts were overjoyed but it was incredibly bittersweet because we knew that your family would lose you.  Well, as God’s plan was unfolded, the judge overturned that direction and you would be returning home to your family.  Our hearts were shattered but we tried to remember His plan for you isn’t what we would always like or understand.  Mama Lacey had a lot of sleepless nights leading up to this day two years ago.  I wanted so badly for your family to succeed and no matter where my insecurities lie or how much we loved you, we were going to have to say goodbye and turn our prayers into those of protection and provision. 

It’s been two years and you’re doing fantastic with your family.  There was a big bump in the road early on, but again, God provided for you.  Our love for you carries on and there isn’t a day that goes by without thinking of you.  Your pictures hang on our walls and we talk of you often.   Your Easter dress still hangs in our laundry room, I just can’t bring myself to put it away. I know that you aren’t with us anymore and that it’s ok, but mercy baby, I sure miss your cackling laughter, your precious hugs and the way you would reach for my hand to keep you safe.   We know that you are safe, loved and well taken care of now and we find peace in that.  You will always hold a precious spot in our hearts, and you will always have a place to return to if ever needed.  

We love you, always and forever.

Daddy Mike and Mama Lacey