Emotions

Unless you listen to the Hardline on The Ticket, you probably won't get this reference but, this segment is about crying. 

What a week it's been.  Big Sister and Baby Sister left a week ago and while it feels like a lifetime since I held them, I can also still hear their laughter, see their smiles and smell them when I walk into their rooms.  What a roller coaster the last 7+ months have been.  There were so many ups and way too many downs.  Life was hard.  Of course, having more kids than adults in the house isn't easy, but the emotional toll just about pushed me over the edge. 

Growing up, I was a sensitive kid.  Scratch that.  A VERY sensitive kid.  My emotions were always on my face. I was a hot mess.  My parents and sister are saints for putting up with my incessant drama.  All of that carried on until my mid-20s and it was like a light switch was flipped off.  Sure, I still get weepy, especially at church, but I like to think my skin has thickened a bit.  I definitely get wound up still, but I'm not as much of a blubbering mess anymore.  Last Thursday, I was literally sick from all the emotion.  Other than the obvious reactions, I was mortified that I crumbled like that at work.  My mascara was around my jawline before I could get to the car to call Mike and tell him the horrible news.  I drove to his work so we could pick the girls up and I was so close to barfing, I had to pull over and make him drive. Gut wrenching.  I sobbed off and on the rest of the day, but by Friday morning, I had my game face on.  I cried a little in church on Sunday, but held it together with the exception of a particular song during worship.  After an aptly named sermon "It's not about you," we went to the altar to pray and repent, I kept it together.  Completely unbeknownst to me, there were several ladies that came up behind us to pray and while I was completely overwhelmed by their support and presence, I still managed to hold it together.  It wasn't until I cried Monday night over ice cream with some precious friends at DQ that it hit me.  I was in shock. Four days of living in total shock.

See, by Thursday afternoon, I was in list mode, trying to get the girls' things together all while tending the 3 ring circus on the home front, that I just pushed all of the feelings aside.  I wouldn't let myself go there. At least not completely.  I wouldn't let the hurt or the fear or the anything bad come over me. I wanted to enjoy every second with my girls before they left. I made Baby Sister belly laugh and I kissed all over Big Sister.  I told both girls that Jesus loved them and so did I.  I told Big Sister to take care of her sister, to be sweet for mom.  When it was time for work the next morning, I had to suck it up and put one foot in front of the other.  My boss was so kind and told me I could work from home, but let's be honest, the LAST thing I wanted was to be in this big house all by myself.  That night we went out to dinner as a family with our best friends and their daughter and it was much needed down time. For the first time in I don't know how long, I didn't have to stop eating my meal to take care of someone else.  Selfishly, it was amazing.  I felt so free but so guilty.

The weekend carried on with baseball, Henry's birthday party, church and chores.  By Sunday afternoon, I felt a wave of worry hit me.  I kept telling satan to get back, Jesus has my right hand.  He's bigger than you. I think the worry hits me harder than anything else.  I have ZERO idea what's going on with the girls that I loved and nurtured all that time.  I feel selfish for feeling this way, these aren't my kids, but at the same time, again, selfishly, I don't think I'm asking all that much.  It's hard letting go of people you care about, having confidence in someone you don't know and trusting in the Lord, asking Him to guide you.  But let me tell you something about faith from the book of James - James 1:6:  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.