Fear not

So it's been 3 months with 3 kids.  Holland Family - party of FIVE. Y'all, that's a lot of people.  I know so many families with 3 kids, but honestly that's not something that I've ever wanted.  Not in a judgmental way, family size is a personal choice and anyone with feedback on that needs to keep it to themselves.  Before October, I wouldn't have signed up for 3 because I lived in fear.  Fear of being outnumbered, fear of failure and fear of losing myself. 

Fear of being outnumbered:  On our 3rd full day of having Big Sister, I got hit with a stomach bug.  Fever and all the unpleasant things that come with a viral stomach bug.  You've been there.  Horrible. This left Mike flying solo on the biggest zone coverage he's ever faced, all alone with 3 people ages 5 and under to care.  I felt terrible for him but I knew he could handle it, it wasn't permanent, just one morning and one evening.  He did amazing, just like I knew he would.  But wouldn't you know, Mike ended up with the same bug that night after all the kids were in bed. UNCLE!! I don't know about you, but picking myself up and being there for 3 needy people on the back nine of that virus, mercy, I was overwhelmed at just the though.  But I figured I've done things that were way more scary than taking care of 3 little people by myself.   Here we go.  Henry was dropped off at school on time. Girls dropped off and I made it to work on time.  The nighttime routine was chaotic but you know what? We survived.  Now, Mike and I work as a team. We usually go by the divide and conquer routine and we generally don't leave the house without at least one kid in tow while the other stays behind. 

Fear of failure: 3 kids is a lot of work, that's a no-brainer.  But tack on 2 parents working full-time AND foster care, yeah, that's a recipe for a good nightmare.  Laundry is a constant, but a wise friend of mine with 3 kids told me to do laundry every single day.  How much fun does that sound?  It's not so bad and there's an artificial sense of accomplishment when the last outfit is hung up and all the socks are where they are supposed to be.  A little deeper in the failure arena, I know I can't be everything to everyone and for the first time in my life, I feel at peace with that.  I joked with the girls' attorney last week that I feel like a triage nurse.  I'm constantly assessing which need comes first. I've grown so much in that area, I feel confident that the kids are fine and it's ok if someone is impatient and bossy with my time. We will all survive if our toast is burned or if dinner is late getting to the table or if I'm searching for the right bow to match your outfit when Daddy Mike is rushing us out the door.  We try to talk respectfully and kindly to one another and we apologize when we don't.  We're not failing if we try.

Fear of losing myself:  This one is tough for me because in the grand scheme of things, I needed a big change in my life.  Maybe I was too comfortable before and didn't appreciate the little things. Maybe I was selfish.  Maybe I was lazy or didn't give enough of me where it needed to be.  Maybe my priorities were in the wrong place.  Maybe it was time to grow from all of that to someone new.  My life now is completely different than what I imagined but in the end, I'm ok with that.  My goodness how my heart has been blessed.   Seeing Baby Sister smile at me when I walk in the room. Big Sister asking me to read a book to her. Henry telling me that he loves his sisters, his mommy and his daddy.  Watching Baby Sister roll over and surprise herself.  Hearing Big Sister belly laugh and squeal back at Henry who is roaring like a lion, trying to chase her.  Seeing Mike's pride through the smile on his face when all the kids are piled up in his lap.   All BIG things worth giving up my little bit of free time.  All big things worth giving up a clean house or a full night of sleep.  In the end, it was ok to lose my old self because quite frankly, I like the new me better.  I'm genuinely happier and I know without a doubt that God has my right hand.  He's so much bigger than any of my fears.

Isaiah 41:13 - For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”