Last year, on this very day (Thanks TimeHop app!), I posted a blog that our family had started the foster licensing process. 365 days have gone by. I'm not sure where all of them went and although I'm disappointed it's taken this long to get through all of it, I know that everything is a part of His plan. We've had an AMAZING support system. Family that has helped with Henry so we could get our training in. Friends that have checked on us and who have been our cheerleaders. We've had prayer partners and those that have been there before us that have encouraged us and shared their happy experiences. We have incredible friends and our caring pastor who literally answered PAGES of questions and wrote nice things about us so that we could share this experience. To say we've been blessed is an understatement. We are incredibly THANKFUL for all of that.
Over the past year, so many people have asked how things are going with the process. I know they are curious, encouraging or just polite, whatever reason we are thankful when people ask. (We love sharing and secretly, with some people, I hope that it encourages them to do the same if they feel called.) I told Mike a couple of weeks ago that I feel like an expectant mother in the last weeks of pregnancy when everyone asks the sometimes dreaded question "When are you going to have that baby?" People are excited, people love good news and I feel like people genuinely care. For the mother in that scenario and in this one, we share that excitement but we are even more terrified of "having that baby." At least I know that I was TERRIFIED about the thought of going into labor and no matter how Henry was welcomed into the world, I knew my body and mind were in for a rough ride. It's in the very first book of the Bible, labor is gonna HURT!
For me, the thought of being a foster Mom shares a lot of the same emotions. I'm TERRIFIED of what lies ahead. People mean well when they share stories of friends or relatives who have been there, but so many times the stories are heartbreaking and even if they have a happy ending, they had to endure a lot to get there. And I'm not talking about what the foster family goes through, that's another post when I have actual real life experience, but I'm talking about what children actually go through before they are removed and the grief they have to process afterwards. Scary, upsetting events that no one should ever go through.
Admittedly, I've been a wreck the past 10 days. We met with our Home Study contractor last week and again this week. He and his wife fostered and adopted, worked with the agency for a number of years. He was very candid about his experiences and I'm thankful for that, even if I sometimes feel paralyzed with fear. I'm an empathetic person. My heart hurts when someone I know hurts. I carry that burden and want nothing more than to just fix it, take their pain away. It's not that easy though, especially for a child that has been taken away from everything they know. How am I going to be a good Mama to them? That's a serious burden that we will have to carry and frankly, it scares the daylights out of me.
Today at lunch, Mike asked me how I was feeling knowing everything we know now. I told him that I feel like I did both times I went skydiving. It was a dream for so long and I went through the training and I was pumped. I was thrilled to get my jump suit and helmet on, get my game face on. On the inside, I was freaking out though. "What if something bad happened?" "Yeah, but what if it's the best ride of your life?" Two times I jumped out of "a perfectly good airplane" and you know what, both times I had the ride of my life. It was scary and I screamed and I laughed and I nearly peed my pants when it came time to land. I loved it and I'd do it again tomorrow, if someone goes with me. It seemed like I was up there for a long time, but it probably wasn't more than 5 minutes. Just a blip in time. So how am I feeling about becoming a foster mom? Let's do this! Might be the ride of our lives.
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